Not what you do... Not a title... Not what you been told you are... Not what people think you are. But who are you? It's who you are at your core... Maybe it's a title, but it can't just be that.
I am a pastor... but that's not what I am... it's not just a title. When a pastor is WHO you are you're a person that, no matter what, cares about people. It's someone that is ready to help... even if just by listening... sometimes best by just listening. A good pastor is someone that doesn't have an agenda FOR you, but when they're with you, their agenda IS you. How you are, what's going on, how they can laugh with you or cry with you, can they help or do you just wanna hang out? You are NOT a project, but you are loved! As a pastor you're a spiritual leader, but that's just the beginning, not the whole picture.
I'm gratefully broken... I think when that first came to my mind I saw it as a phase in my life... but it's who I am. In the dark and fog, I'm gratefully broken. In the light and joy, I'm gratefully broken. Being so has and does make me who I am. It's also what causes me to change what needs changed. It is the imperfections that are me... and it's the strides that I take to avoid or better those imperfections.
There is more to WHO I am... and the great part about it is that I am continuing to learn it... it doesn't all just come out... you have to search for it... you have to explore and listen and find WHO you are. One of life's many great adventures... and well worth the risk... risk because who you are may not be who you want to be... and that requires a whole other kind of search and adventure... and a different post sometime maybe. :)
I challenge you, take the time to really know WHO you are. Even if you're not a spiritual person, ask God who you are... because it's in HIM that we find these things out.
Feel free to comment on this or leave a comment of WHO you are... I would love to read them!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Gratefully Broken 2.0
When I started this blog I was in a "deeper" and even "darker" place than I am now... and my definition of gratefully broken was very appropriate. I am in a much lighter place now and you know what... the definition is the same. When I started this, I felt that it would be something that would only be for the deep or dark... but gratefully broken isn't just a thing... it's who I am. I am gratefully broken... and that means sometimes things are dark and deep and this is an out that I have... even a cry out for help... but other times it means that in my brokenness I get to share the joys and wonders of life with everyone.
Gratefully Broken 2.0 isn't a different version... just a realization that being gratefully broken is all inclusive and not just how I'm feeling... but who I am. I like that!
Gratefully Broken 2.0 isn't a different version... just a realization that being gratefully broken is all inclusive and not just how I'm feeling... but who I am. I like that!
I'm back
Didn't really know I was gone... Just haven't thought about blogging lately. But I do enjoy it. I can honestly say things have been going well... in the midst of annoyances... but still really well. I could turn this into a HUGE entry by going on about what has been going on (yes it sounded funny in my head too). But basically I'm back... things are good... and I'll try to post more often.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Clearning the Fog
Opened my front door this morning to fog... yes that's right fog... I thought to myself... well it's June and we've gone from winter weather to fall weather... Alright, we're working our way towards summer... just a little backwards. And so I shrugged my shoulders and walked out the door.
I love the fog. I love the feel of the mist against my face, I love how quiet things seem. To me, fog is very peaceful. Some might disagree and don't get me wrong... it's not my favorite to drive in... but I wasn't driving. I was walking in it... I was just "being" in it.
I got on the train and as we started going towards Seattle, the fog began to clear... revealing a gorgeous summy day. At that time I remembered another part of the fog that I love. When it clears... revealing a beautiful new day.
Kinda funny how this can be said about our weather, but also about our lives.
I love the fog. I love the feel of the mist against my face, I love how quiet things seem. To me, fog is very peaceful. Some might disagree and don't get me wrong... it's not my favorite to drive in... but I wasn't driving. I was walking in it... I was just "being" in it.
I got on the train and as we started going towards Seattle, the fog began to clear... revealing a gorgeous summy day. At that time I remembered another part of the fog that I love. When it clears... revealing a beautiful new day.
Kinda funny how this can be said about our weather, but also about our lives.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
She's Beautiful
This last weekend Julia and I went for our Horseback Winery Tour. We got to stay the night in one of their Luxery Teepees and it was amazing. It was the perfect mix of rugged (with the ranch and the horses... with the outdoor sink with a mirror for shaving that was right by one of the horse pens... and more) and elegance (with the decor of the teepees and the food that was served and just the atmosphere). It was so relaxing and simply amazing... but this isn't meant to be a review of the place... I'll write one of those on their web site. :)
All of that is needed for this post though. This last weekend there was amazing for me. I was so relaxed and just didn't want to leave. The horses were great, the scenery was breathtaking and so on and so on... but you see, this last weekend was PERFECT for Julia. It wasn't just something she wanted, it was something she NEEDED! She needed to get away. She needed the horses. She needed Pepper and Tiffany (the two that run this place). Whatever it was that she needed, it was there. And as a result she was absolutely glowing. She hasn't glowed like that in a very long time. My wife is breathtakingly beautiful all the time, but seeing her come to life this weekend when she was around those horses made that much more. For too long she has deprived herself from these things that make her come alive. As her husband, it's my pleasure to help her NOT lose that glow.
She is so beautiful all the time... but when she does the things that make her come alive, somehow, that beauty is magnified.
All of that is needed for this post though. This last weekend there was amazing for me. I was so relaxed and just didn't want to leave. The horses were great, the scenery was breathtaking and so on and so on... but you see, this last weekend was PERFECT for Julia. It wasn't just something she wanted, it was something she NEEDED! She needed to get away. She needed the horses. She needed Pepper and Tiffany (the two that run this place). Whatever it was that she needed, it was there. And as a result she was absolutely glowing. She hasn't glowed like that in a very long time. My wife is breathtakingly beautiful all the time, but seeing her come to life this weekend when she was around those horses made that much more. For too long she has deprived herself from these things that make her come alive. As her husband, it's my pleasure to help her NOT lose that glow.
She is so beautiful all the time... but when she does the things that make her come alive, somehow, that beauty is magnified.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Seek Me and Live
These are a few of the first words of Amos 5:4 in the Bible. Some of you may not be that familiar with the Bible, but that doesn't really matter for this post. This isn't a Bible lesson... I'm not going Christian TV on you here I promise. :) And yes... I'm Christian... I just don't... anyway... totally another post.
"Seek Me and Live"
God told Amos to speak these words to the Israelites and they most definately apply today. But what does it mean. As a good little preacher I should focus on the word "Seek" and what it means to seek God and how none of us are doing a good job and how we need to repent and start seeking God (please note the sarcasm in my voice/typing) But if you know me... I'm not the normal good little preacher (and yes I am also a pastor).
When I read that the whole thing just stuck in my head... but the word "Live" is the one that got me thiking. It can mean the obvious which is that if we seek a relationship with Jesus we will live because He gives us the gift of eternal life... but that's REALLY not what I was thinking when I read this.
Seek me and LIVE... I want to live... I don't want to have a life that is unfulfilled and boring. I want to have a life that is free and beyond enjoyable... that is LIVING.
And God is the one that gives that to me. He is the one that made me who I am. I am a nut case (in a fun way)... when I make people laugh (myself included) I am living... God made me that way. When I'm helping people it makes me come alive... that's living and God made me to be like that as well. The blessings and provisions that He gives, I get to LIVE in every day... when I seek him.
Ok... so I'm gonna hit on seeking a little... because I think a lot of people (I did for a long time) hear the word seek, they're thinking I have to go to church EVERY week, I have to read my Bible all the time and spend AT LEAST a hour on my knees seriously praying to be considered a person that "seeks" God. Ok... you can do those things... and some of them I do... I love to go to church... but I don't every week... love the Bible, but don't read it all the time and I love to pray but definatley not like I described above. I seek God because He is my friend and I want to be with him. And sometimes it's formally like above... but most the time I seek him just by talking to Him like I do any of my other friends. I tell Him when I'm having a good day or with the day sucks serious butt!!! I get mad at him and yell at Him. I ask Him what He wants to do when I'm driving around... does he want to listen to music or talk or listen to the ballgame... what? I just hang out with him because it's my relationship with Him that the seeking is done through.
I seek my wife, but she would lock me up in the nuthouse if I sought her like people think we have to ALWAYS seek God. Please don't misunderstand... or if you want to go ahead... that's fine... I think praying and readin the Bible and going to church and all that kind of stuff is a great way to seek God... but IT'S NOT THE ONLY WAY!!! I seek my wife and even my friends... but I don't do it all formal and ritualistic like... it's not a duty but a friendship that I want to grow... just like I do with family and friends. That is seeking God to me... and when I seek him, I get to live!!!
That excites me because I know the things that make me come alive and God supplies those that much more when I am seeking him.
Those are just some thoughts... do what you will with them... if you got any questions, leave a comment... I'd love to chat about this... it's another way that I get to LIVE!
"Seek Me and Live"
God told Amos to speak these words to the Israelites and they most definately apply today. But what does it mean. As a good little preacher I should focus on the word "Seek" and what it means to seek God and how none of us are doing a good job and how we need to repent and start seeking God (please note the sarcasm in my voice/typing) But if you know me... I'm not the normal good little preacher (and yes I am also a pastor).
When I read that the whole thing just stuck in my head... but the word "Live" is the one that got me thiking. It can mean the obvious which is that if we seek a relationship with Jesus we will live because He gives us the gift of eternal life... but that's REALLY not what I was thinking when I read this.
Seek me and LIVE... I want to live... I don't want to have a life that is unfulfilled and boring. I want to have a life that is free and beyond enjoyable... that is LIVING.
And God is the one that gives that to me. He is the one that made me who I am. I am a nut case (in a fun way)... when I make people laugh (myself included) I am living... God made me that way. When I'm helping people it makes me come alive... that's living and God made me to be like that as well. The blessings and provisions that He gives, I get to LIVE in every day... when I seek him.
Ok... so I'm gonna hit on seeking a little... because I think a lot of people (I did for a long time) hear the word seek, they're thinking I have to go to church EVERY week, I have to read my Bible all the time and spend AT LEAST a hour on my knees seriously praying to be considered a person that "seeks" God. Ok... you can do those things... and some of them I do... I love to go to church... but I don't every week... love the Bible, but don't read it all the time and I love to pray but definatley not like I described above. I seek God because He is my friend and I want to be with him. And sometimes it's formally like above... but most the time I seek him just by talking to Him like I do any of my other friends. I tell Him when I'm having a good day or with the day sucks serious butt!!! I get mad at him and yell at Him. I ask Him what He wants to do when I'm driving around... does he want to listen to music or talk or listen to the ballgame... what? I just hang out with him because it's my relationship with Him that the seeking is done through.
I seek my wife, but she would lock me up in the nuthouse if I sought her like people think we have to ALWAYS seek God. Please don't misunderstand... or if you want to go ahead... that's fine... I think praying and readin the Bible and going to church and all that kind of stuff is a great way to seek God... but IT'S NOT THE ONLY WAY!!! I seek my wife and even my friends... but I don't do it all formal and ritualistic like... it's not a duty but a friendship that I want to grow... just like I do with family and friends. That is seeking God to me... and when I seek him, I get to live!!!
That excites me because I know the things that make me come alive and God supplies those that much more when I am seeking him.
Those are just some thoughts... do what you will with them... if you got any questions, leave a comment... I'd love to chat about this... it's another way that I get to LIVE!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Do you trust me?
Sittin' in church a couple weeks ago... during one of the songs, we began to just sing out with whatever words came to heart/mind and Dane began to sing something about God I trust you... and then I heard it... "Do you trust me?"
Normally you'd give the church answer "Of course I do God," but I wasn't able to answer... I just sat there and thought... not necessarily of what I would answer, but of WHY God was asking me this. Now, if you've been in church and God asks you this it is usually by something that is gonna stretch your faith... but this was different... this wasn't that kind of "Do you trust me."
See, I've been badly damaged by people in the church... some pastors, some board members and so on. It was all for a purpose though. I know this now because God showed me what it was all about. However, during that time, I didn't know why I went through what I did. I felt like such a failure and that I couldn't do what God had asked me to do... the truth of it though was that in that personal hell, I was actually succeeding and was doing exactly what God asked me to do... just didn't know it until later.
Even though, that time did a lot of damage to me and my family. A couple years after being at our last church, I felt God tell me He was sorry. Not necessarily that He was sorry that I went through it... afterall, it has shaped who I am and what I'm about... it has directed me to where I am and where I am going. but He was sorry that it hurt so bad. He was sorry that he couldn't tell me what the hell was going on until He did. He was sorry it had damaged me as much as it had. It was really weird hearing God tell me He was sorry... but it made me feel so treasured.
We have moved on, God and I. Things have been going awesome between us. He and I are more like uber close friends than ever before. I feel closer to Him now than I ever have... even more than when I was working in the church. And so then He asks me "Do you trust me?" Again, not your steriotypical "do you trust me to go to Africa" kind of thing... but kinda... well... moving on in our relationship. It was like he was saying, "I know I hurt you... and I have told you I was sorry...and you have forgiven me (how crazy does that sound... "forgiving" God), and now will you trust me again?" It wasn't a specific trust request... it was a generalized "will you put your trust in me again?" "Will you trust me with your life and know that I won't hurt you like that again?"
It was strange... I didn't know what to do... and so I sat there. Of course I wanted to trust Him again... but did I... was I willing to? He didn't want the churchie BS answer...he wanted to hear from my heart... even if the answer was no... not yet... He wants me to trust Him, but He wasn't willing to just assume and move forward... He wasn't willing to force anything. He asked me! I can't effectively voice what that means to me.
I don't know if I ever really gave Him a yes or no answer. At least not in those words. But I've started to see changes in my actions towards Him and situations He wants me to trust Him with. Through my actions, I've answered "yes" to his question of "Do you trust me." I am grateful that He thinks enough of me to ask me if I'm ready to move forward. I guess that shows you the signs of a true friend.
Normally you'd give the church answer "Of course I do God," but I wasn't able to answer... I just sat there and thought... not necessarily of what I would answer, but of WHY God was asking me this. Now, if you've been in church and God asks you this it is usually by something that is gonna stretch your faith... but this was different... this wasn't that kind of "Do you trust me."
See, I've been badly damaged by people in the church... some pastors, some board members and so on. It was all for a purpose though. I know this now because God showed me what it was all about. However, during that time, I didn't know why I went through what I did. I felt like such a failure and that I couldn't do what God had asked me to do... the truth of it though was that in that personal hell, I was actually succeeding and was doing exactly what God asked me to do... just didn't know it until later.
Even though, that time did a lot of damage to me and my family. A couple years after being at our last church, I felt God tell me He was sorry. Not necessarily that He was sorry that I went through it... afterall, it has shaped who I am and what I'm about... it has directed me to where I am and where I am going. but He was sorry that it hurt so bad. He was sorry that he couldn't tell me what the hell was going on until He did. He was sorry it had damaged me as much as it had. It was really weird hearing God tell me He was sorry... but it made me feel so treasured.
We have moved on, God and I. Things have been going awesome between us. He and I are more like uber close friends than ever before. I feel closer to Him now than I ever have... even more than when I was working in the church. And so then He asks me "Do you trust me?" Again, not your steriotypical "do you trust me to go to Africa" kind of thing... but kinda... well... moving on in our relationship. It was like he was saying, "I know I hurt you... and I have told you I was sorry...and you have forgiven me (how crazy does that sound... "forgiving" God), and now will you trust me again?" It wasn't a specific trust request... it was a generalized "will you put your trust in me again?" "Will you trust me with your life and know that I won't hurt you like that again?"
It was strange... I didn't know what to do... and so I sat there. Of course I wanted to trust Him again... but did I... was I willing to? He didn't want the churchie BS answer...he wanted to hear from my heart... even if the answer was no... not yet... He wants me to trust Him, but He wasn't willing to just assume and move forward... He wasn't willing to force anything. He asked me! I can't effectively voice what that means to me.
I don't know if I ever really gave Him a yes or no answer. At least not in those words. But I've started to see changes in my actions towards Him and situations He wants me to trust Him with. Through my actions, I've answered "yes" to his question of "Do you trust me." I am grateful that He thinks enough of me to ask me if I'm ready to move forward. I guess that shows you the signs of a true friend.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Treadmill
Yesterday I was walking on the treadmill and just had the time to think... I was looking down, watching my feet (I know not the best practice if you don't want to be THAT GUY that falls off... but it is what it is)... and just began to think. Think about the road of life that we are all on... no matter what your road looks like or where it is... we walk it. Sometimes alone but hopefully most often with people you've allowed close to you. Sometimes it's a simple, enjoyable walk, and sometimes it's an uphill battle with all kinds of crap in your way.
As I'm thinking about this on the treadmill, I began to think that the treadmill is a useful tool. If you're not ready to get out there and actually walk your road, it can help you get ready. It stretches and strengthes your muscles so you can make those strides. You can adjust the settings to have an easy walk or an uphill one. But the bottom line is this... on day... you have to get off the treatmill and start walking your road. You have to get away from the comfort of the training exercise and actually start walking. If you don't... just like on a treadmill, you go nowhere. You will work all that time and put all that effort into what amounts to NOTHING.
Again, the treadmill is useful for a time in order to help you prepare to walk your road, and it can be useful to come back to from time to time... mainly when you need a rest from the road but don't want to get out of walking/living shape. But it will eventually be your downfall and your source of frustration if you don't hit that big red STOP button and get off of it and begin to walk your road.
So what is this metaphorical treadmill? That's not something I can tell you... you have to figure it out on your own... come to think of it... I'm not sure I fully know what MY treadmill is. It's something we all need to know, because if we don't, we may not be able to tell if you're walking a treadmill and going nowhere or if we're actually walking our road and living life.
Wish me luck as I figure out what my treadmill is (or maybe more than one). What's in my life that I could consider, at least somewhat, useful in living life, but at the same time could be something that would keep me from living life? I want to make sure that I am actually walking my road and actually living life. I don't want to look up one day and realize I've put so much effort into what I've been doing and the scene hasn't changed... that I've gone nowhere...
And I wish you luck as you do the same.
As I'm thinking about this on the treadmill, I began to think that the treadmill is a useful tool. If you're not ready to get out there and actually walk your road, it can help you get ready. It stretches and strengthes your muscles so you can make those strides. You can adjust the settings to have an easy walk or an uphill one. But the bottom line is this... on day... you have to get off the treatmill and start walking your road. You have to get away from the comfort of the training exercise and actually start walking. If you don't... just like on a treadmill, you go nowhere. You will work all that time and put all that effort into what amounts to NOTHING.
Again, the treadmill is useful for a time in order to help you prepare to walk your road, and it can be useful to come back to from time to time... mainly when you need a rest from the road but don't want to get out of walking/living shape. But it will eventually be your downfall and your source of frustration if you don't hit that big red STOP button and get off of it and begin to walk your road.
So what is this metaphorical treadmill? That's not something I can tell you... you have to figure it out on your own... come to think of it... I'm not sure I fully know what MY treadmill is. It's something we all need to know, because if we don't, we may not be able to tell if you're walking a treadmill and going nowhere or if we're actually walking our road and living life.
Wish me luck as I figure out what my treadmill is (or maybe more than one). What's in my life that I could consider, at least somewhat, useful in living life, but at the same time could be something that would keep me from living life? I want to make sure that I am actually walking my road and actually living life. I don't want to look up one day and realize I've put so much effort into what I've been doing and the scene hasn't changed... that I've gone nowhere...
And I wish you luck as you do the same.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Love to laugh...
... and miss it when it seems to not be around. There has been all too much missing the laughs over the last month and a half or so... not all the time... but too much missing the laughs. This last weekend was a GREAT time of laughing.
Friday night I took my girls out to go see "The Princess and the Frog" and the $2 theater, and we told Chels it was a surprise when I got home from work. She went NUTS!!! She was dancing and running all over because she got a surprise. She bugged me several times to know what it was (and she's only 3... takes after her mom like that). We got up towards the movie theater and she said she wanted to go there and wanted to see Princess and the Frog... we hadn't said anything and I had JUST found out it was playing... I don't know where she got it... too smart that one. But we had a blast. She is so cute when she gets to go to the movie and then her and mommy played a driving game after we were done. Again that was awesome and I laughed a lot.
Saturaday was a pretty laid back day... Julia left for a little while, and so Chelsea and I went into the back yard and enjoyed some sunshine for a while. We played with her oversized bowling set and she was so cute, so amazing and so funny. It was a blast!!! And that evening Julia and I got to spend some time with friends having a wonderful dinner and a great time of laughter and just talking about whatever. It's nice to just hang out... it's even nicer when you have friends at work that you want to hang out with outside of the walls of work. There was just a lot of laughing at SO MANY different things. It was so much fun and I hope to do it again soon.
Sunday was a great day that left me sore. We FINALLY have a yard because we are now in a house. And while it was very tiring mowing, edging everything and doing everything else that needed done, it was so much fun. For one, I am finally thankful to have a yard for my little girl to play in and if that means I have to take care of it, then that is such a small price to pay. It was also such a beautiful day that it was so nice to be outside. And I got to spend it with my two girls. Watching Chelsea pick up rocks and look for worms was great. She was such a great helper. Absolutely amazing.
What a weekend... it was packed with so much laughter and fun!!! I love to laugh... and I miss it when it seems like it's taken off... but this weekend it was very much present. Welcome back old friend... come in and stay!!!
Friday night I took my girls out to go see "The Princess and the Frog" and the $2 theater, and we told Chels it was a surprise when I got home from work. She went NUTS!!! She was dancing and running all over because she got a surprise. She bugged me several times to know what it was (and she's only 3... takes after her mom like that). We got up towards the movie theater and she said she wanted to go there and wanted to see Princess and the Frog... we hadn't said anything and I had JUST found out it was playing... I don't know where she got it... too smart that one. But we had a blast. She is so cute when she gets to go to the movie and then her and mommy played a driving game after we were done. Again that was awesome and I laughed a lot.
Saturaday was a pretty laid back day... Julia left for a little while, and so Chelsea and I went into the back yard and enjoyed some sunshine for a while. We played with her oversized bowling set and she was so cute, so amazing and so funny. It was a blast!!! And that evening Julia and I got to spend some time with friends having a wonderful dinner and a great time of laughter and just talking about whatever. It's nice to just hang out... it's even nicer when you have friends at work that you want to hang out with outside of the walls of work. There was just a lot of laughing at SO MANY different things. It was so much fun and I hope to do it again soon.
Sunday was a great day that left me sore. We FINALLY have a yard because we are now in a house. And while it was very tiring mowing, edging everything and doing everything else that needed done, it was so much fun. For one, I am finally thankful to have a yard for my little girl to play in and if that means I have to take care of it, then that is such a small price to pay. It was also such a beautiful day that it was so nice to be outside. And I got to spend it with my two girls. Watching Chelsea pick up rocks and look for worms was great. She was such a great helper. Absolutely amazing.
What a weekend... it was packed with so much laughter and fun!!! I love to laugh... and I miss it when it seems like it's taken off... but this weekend it was very much present. Welcome back old friend... come in and stay!!!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
After the dark
The light is amazing when you've been plunged into the darkness. Even when the dark tries to creep up again... the light overcomes it and pushes it back where it belongs...
However, in the darkness there is always something to gain... and now I must remember what I've learned in this darkness...
If I don't... I choose to re-enter it... and not gonna lie... I really don't want to take that detour again. :)
However, in the darkness there is always something to gain... and now I must remember what I've learned in this darkness...
If I don't... I choose to re-enter it... and not gonna lie... I really don't want to take that detour again. :)
Remember...
Finally... *breathes a hugh sigh of relief*... I feel like I'm returning to normal... which, I know, I know... for me isn't all that normal. But I'm starting to rest and be able to let go and I'm starting to rise again. Not there totally... still have a ways to go... and not really even ready to fight again... still need to rest more... heal more... but I'm closer... and I can start to feel it.
It's pretty freaking amazing (not in a good way) when life deals you a difficult or painful card and instead of playing it, or dealing with it, you put it in your hand and just hold on... then another is dealt and you hold on to that one. They seem to keep coming and so instead of playing them/dealing with them you keep holding onto them... tighter and tighter. I don't know how many I had in my hand, but I'm pretty sure I was white-knuckle with how tight I was holding on.
Of all that I am getting out of this... that's the most important thing I'm having to learn. I have to let go... I have to step back and not worry about things I cannot control. I have to keep a constant reminder that when life deals a hurtful hand, play it... don't hold it. With all that I've been through, you would think I would have it down, but I have never been good at letting go. When it comes to something I care about, and especially when it's people I care about, I have a tendency to hold on tighter... which is oppostite of helpful. It wears me down and I don't realize it until it's too late... until I'm worn out and ready to collapse. I don't see it until I cause some kind of harm myself.
I am a very strong person. I have always been able to bare the loads of myself and others... it's one of the reasons I'm here. God has put me here to help others... and I love it. I should know this by now, but I am still learning, that while I love to walk with others... and fight for them... and carry them when needed... I have to remember it's not my strength and it's not my wisdom... But it's God through me... And what that means is that I have to remember to let go and step back... I have to rest and regain my strength... And I must be a friend & brother, nothing more... not a parent or a nag... not a controller or a dictator. To try and be more only opens the door wide open for frustration, confusion and hurt... sound like fun? I didn't think so either. I have to remember. I have to keep a constant reminder of this... if I'm really here to help and care for others, then this is vital. Who knows how many times I could afford to allow myself to get here without doing perminant damage to who I am at the very core.
I'm strong... but not that strong.
It's pretty freaking amazing (not in a good way) when life deals you a difficult or painful card and instead of playing it, or dealing with it, you put it in your hand and just hold on... then another is dealt and you hold on to that one. They seem to keep coming and so instead of playing them/dealing with them you keep holding onto them... tighter and tighter. I don't know how many I had in my hand, but I'm pretty sure I was white-knuckle with how tight I was holding on.
Of all that I am getting out of this... that's the most important thing I'm having to learn. I have to let go... I have to step back and not worry about things I cannot control. I have to keep a constant reminder that when life deals a hurtful hand, play it... don't hold it. With all that I've been through, you would think I would have it down, but I have never been good at letting go. When it comes to something I care about, and especially when it's people I care about, I have a tendency to hold on tighter... which is oppostite of helpful. It wears me down and I don't realize it until it's too late... until I'm worn out and ready to collapse. I don't see it until I cause some kind of harm myself.
I am a very strong person. I have always been able to bare the loads of myself and others... it's one of the reasons I'm here. God has put me here to help others... and I love it. I should know this by now, but I am still learning, that while I love to walk with others... and fight for them... and carry them when needed... I have to remember it's not my strength and it's not my wisdom... But it's God through me... And what that means is that I have to remember to let go and step back... I have to rest and regain my strength... And I must be a friend & brother, nothing more... not a parent or a nag... not a controller or a dictator. To try and be more only opens the door wide open for frustration, confusion and hurt... sound like fun? I didn't think so either. I have to remember. I have to keep a constant reminder of this... if I'm really here to help and care for others, then this is vital. Who knows how many times I could afford to allow myself to get here without doing perminant damage to who I am at the very core.
I'm strong... but not that strong.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Amazing People
For so many things in my life I am blessed by God. But especially because of the people in my life.
To all of you that walk with me every day... to those of you that live life with me, thank you. I am truly blessed because of you.
Thank you to all those who are standing around me now... standing guard while I rest and get ready to fight again... to get ready to walk down this road called life again.
I am truly blessed and I hope and pray you will all continue to live life with me, walk down the road of life with me... and let me do the same with you.
To all of you that walk with me every day... to those of you that live life with me, thank you. I am truly blessed because of you.
Thank you to all those who are standing around me now... standing guard while I rest and get ready to fight again... to get ready to walk down this road called life again.
I am truly blessed and I hope and pray you will all continue to live life with me, walk down the road of life with me... and let me do the same with you.
Let It Go
This probably sounds a lot like Step Back and they are a similar message and they're both from God. Sometimes I'm just thick-headed. But I also wanted to write this one because after a long weekend of battling myself (real smart Jeff), wrestling with God (again... bright... really I am much brighter than that) and talking with my amazing wife... I am lighter and in a much better place.
Thank you to all the people that rallied behind me... and are walking beside me. I need to remember that I have been blessed with amazing people that will lift me up when I need to be and so I need to STOP holding on to things so freakin' tight and let go... thus what I wanted to say here.
What I'm about to say came to me as I sat at church yesterday... no pastor speaking... no prayer going on... just me... sitting.
I heard Him ask if God... if He was all I needed?
I had to be honest...I said NO, but tried to give my Christian Diclaimer of "But I want to", but only got out "But I want..." and I was stopped. He told me not to talk that Christian Jargon with Him... but be honest... so I said NO and left it.
I began to think of the other things I "needed" and every thought in my head was followed by Him saying that He's the one that provided those things. Mostly people came to my mind, and some things/situations, but He said that HE provided the people that I love and need. He provided all other things.
So who am I to grasp things and people so tightly that I don't let go?
So God really is all I need... but in order to really understand that (let alone do it) I have to LET IT GO... It = EVERYTHING that isn't HIM... and I don't mean this is the "let go of the sin brother" (said with southern drawl) kind of way... but I'm talking EVERYTHING. Situations that come up aren't as hard to let go of as the people in my life. But I have to let go of EVERYTHING.
Everything... wow... I don't know what that looks like... I don't know how to do that... I don't have a clue. This is always been so hard for me... God made me a very strong person with very broad shoulders... and so I've always just held on to everything... people and situations... especially people! But I have to let go... even the strongest will collapse under too much. And when I collapse, I not only crumble but I hurt my wife and my little girl... maybe she doesn't know it but because of the toll it takes on me, she knows her daddy isn't doing well... and I snap at her. I also hurt others around me.
I guess I have my own long road to walk. I'm not fooled in that it may not be a too long of a walk to get me righted and to let go of what I'm feeling right now... although it's not easy either... but this is going to be an ongoing walk. This is a road I will always be one because it's life. It's my life... will I choose to grasp ahold of things again or will I choose to let them go. Especially people...
So... I guess I'm looking for some good walking buddies... not necessarily to do anything but remind me to let it go. When situations arise or there are people that I am holding too tightly... to lovingly and firmly remind me to let it go. And I always like good walking company.
And so now... I let it go. The situations in my life right now that I have NO way of controling... I let it go. God I give it to you. The people in my life that mean so much... To you... I'm so sorry... I have grasped too tightly and have pushed and maybe suffocated. I truely am sorry and I let you go. Not that I push you away... but I let go of the emotional ties that cause me to grasp onto something I have no control over... nor should I have control over. I hope you can forgive and will continue to live life with me... continue to walk with me... and let me walk with you.
I'm letting go... finally. It is a tough road and it will be one that I will walk all my life... but I know I can do it... and the benefits of keeping things in the corerct perspective and not grasping so tighly will be amazing.
Jeff... let it go
Thank you to all the people that rallied behind me... and are walking beside me. I need to remember that I have been blessed with amazing people that will lift me up when I need to be and so I need to STOP holding on to things so freakin' tight and let go... thus what I wanted to say here.
What I'm about to say came to me as I sat at church yesterday... no pastor speaking... no prayer going on... just me... sitting.
I heard Him ask if God... if He was all I needed?
I had to be honest...I said NO, but tried to give my Christian Diclaimer of "But I want to", but only got out "But I want..." and I was stopped. He told me not to talk that Christian Jargon with Him... but be honest... so I said NO and left it.
I began to think of the other things I "needed" and every thought in my head was followed by Him saying that He's the one that provided those things. Mostly people came to my mind, and some things/situations, but He said that HE provided the people that I love and need. He provided all other things.
So who am I to grasp things and people so tightly that I don't let go?
So God really is all I need... but in order to really understand that (let alone do it) I have to LET IT GO... It = EVERYTHING that isn't HIM... and I don't mean this is the "let go of the sin brother" (said with southern drawl) kind of way... but I'm talking EVERYTHING. Situations that come up aren't as hard to let go of as the people in my life. But I have to let go of EVERYTHING.
Everything... wow... I don't know what that looks like... I don't know how to do that... I don't have a clue. This is always been so hard for me... God made me a very strong person with very broad shoulders... and so I've always just held on to everything... people and situations... especially people! But I have to let go... even the strongest will collapse under too much. And when I collapse, I not only crumble but I hurt my wife and my little girl... maybe she doesn't know it but because of the toll it takes on me, she knows her daddy isn't doing well... and I snap at her. I also hurt others around me.
I guess I have my own long road to walk. I'm not fooled in that it may not be a too long of a walk to get me righted and to let go of what I'm feeling right now... although it's not easy either... but this is going to be an ongoing walk. This is a road I will always be one because it's life. It's my life... will I choose to grasp ahold of things again or will I choose to let them go. Especially people...
So... I guess I'm looking for some good walking buddies... not necessarily to do anything but remind me to let it go. When situations arise or there are people that I am holding too tightly... to lovingly and firmly remind me to let it go. And I always like good walking company.
And so now... I let it go. The situations in my life right now that I have NO way of controling... I let it go. God I give it to you. The people in my life that mean so much... To you... I'm so sorry... I have grasped too tightly and have pushed and maybe suffocated. I truely am sorry and I let you go. Not that I push you away... but I let go of the emotional ties that cause me to grasp onto something I have no control over... nor should I have control over. I hope you can forgive and will continue to live life with me... continue to walk with me... and let me walk with you.
I'm letting go... finally. It is a tough road and it will be one that I will walk all my life... but I know I can do it... and the benefits of keeping things in the corerct perspective and not grasping so tighly will be amazing.
Jeff... let it go
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thankful for baseball
I just needed to say that I am very thankful for baseball and my brother-in-law. In the middle of all of this today (as you can see I've written a lot), he and I have been texting about possible things we've heard about the Mariners and possible moves. It's simply amazing to talk about something I am SOOOO passionate about with someone that is probably as passionate.
I am thankful for baseball and my brother-in-law. He has no idea what this has meant. Thank you God for Johnathan and baseball... *smile*
I am thankful for baseball and my brother-in-law. He has no idea what this has meant. Thank you God for Johnathan and baseball... *smile*
Battered Soldier
I'm a warrior... a soldier... a fighter... a protector... but not in the traditional sense that you may think. I can count the fights I've been involved in on one hand. But I'm all those things because I don't let things stand pat. When people that I care for are in need, I will fight to the death for them. I will fight along side of them and when they can't continue on, I will fight for them while protecting them. I will rally others to stand guard while my people recoup. I love them and will give my life for them. I'm a warrior, a soldier, fighter and protector.
Most are equipped with the ability to know when they themselves have been battered to the point of needing to let those around them stand guard and protect while they recoup. Most know when they've taken enough to stop and allow themselves to heal. Sometimes... maybe more times than not, I question that I have that ability. It's been said, by people that are closest to me, that one of the things about me that scares them is I don't stop... I press on and press on... but they are afraid for me with reason. When wounded if I keep on going, I will fall... which is where I feel I am now. Not totally fallen, but beaten to the point of staggering and falling to my knees... but still pressing on and still fighting.
But I have to stop. I need to learn that ability to know when to let others hold me up in the same way I hold them up. When I'm wounded I have in the past done more harm than good. Unfortunately I feel like I am there now. I have been fighting for the lives of several of the people that are close to me and I now stand... staggering... wounded... will I fall? Will the very things and people around me that I've been fighting for suffer because I have not stopped, stepped back and let others fight for me? Do I know how to stop? Do I really know how to let others stand around me and protect me? Have I let them know? How do I let them know?
If I cry for help, for people to come to my side and patch me up... to protect me while I heal, as a fighter, does that make me weak? Does that make me less of a warrior and protector? That is such a huge part of me that I can't handle the thought of being less... but I have to change my thinking before I allow it to make me no warrior at all. I have to change this in me before those I love suffer more than they have already... before those I am trying to protect are sacrificed as they are foced to step over a fallen warrior that was once me.
I don't know what it will look like, but here is my call for help. To my fellow soldiers, I am battered, I have fallen to my knees and don't want to fall more. God it scares me to think of that... I need you... I need your help. I don't know how to tell you what I need... I just don't know... but I do know I need you if you will so I can rise again, so I can rest and heal.
I am a warrior... a soldier... a fighter... and a protector... and I don't want to stop being that.
Most are equipped with the ability to know when they themselves have been battered to the point of needing to let those around them stand guard and protect while they recoup. Most know when they've taken enough to stop and allow themselves to heal. Sometimes... maybe more times than not, I question that I have that ability. It's been said, by people that are closest to me, that one of the things about me that scares them is I don't stop... I press on and press on... but they are afraid for me with reason. When wounded if I keep on going, I will fall... which is where I feel I am now. Not totally fallen, but beaten to the point of staggering and falling to my knees... but still pressing on and still fighting.
But I have to stop. I need to learn that ability to know when to let others hold me up in the same way I hold them up. When I'm wounded I have in the past done more harm than good. Unfortunately I feel like I am there now. I have been fighting for the lives of several of the people that are close to me and I now stand... staggering... wounded... will I fall? Will the very things and people around me that I've been fighting for suffer because I have not stopped, stepped back and let others fight for me? Do I know how to stop? Do I really know how to let others stand around me and protect me? Have I let them know? How do I let them know?
If I cry for help, for people to come to my side and patch me up... to protect me while I heal, as a fighter, does that make me weak? Does that make me less of a warrior and protector? That is such a huge part of me that I can't handle the thought of being less... but I have to change my thinking before I allow it to make me no warrior at all. I have to change this in me before those I love suffer more than they have already... before those I am trying to protect are sacrificed as they are foced to step over a fallen warrior that was once me.
I don't know what it will look like, but here is my call for help. To my fellow soldiers, I am battered, I have fallen to my knees and don't want to fall more. God it scares me to think of that... I need you... I need your help. I don't know how to tell you what I need... I just don't know... but I do know I need you if you will so I can rise again, so I can rest and heal.
I am a warrior... a soldier... a fighter... and a protector... and I don't want to stop being that.
Step Back
I have a great friend at work... she helps keep me square on the ground and helps me think things through.
So of course I have been talking to her a little about all this ugly... without getting into a lot of details, but talking nonetheless. She knows very much how I try to fix me when I'm broken. I want the answers and hate things in limbo... and that's where I am on some of this ugly place I'm in... too much in limbo which is driving my butt crazy.
So what does she tell me today... just step back. Hmm... just step back... but doesn't that encourage limbo??? That's what driving me crazy. But as she is talking and explaining step back (it should be obvious, but it just isn't right now), God says in my ear that she's DEAD ON!!! I need to let go. I have grasped SO DAMN TIGHT because I'm afraid of losing... but because I've done that, I can't see answers, I can't rest, I can't leave this place and find light and beauty again. I am fighting to return to the ways things were, but am only fighting myself because my grasp is so tight because of that fear of losing.
Now the hard part... actually stepping back. It's so hard...God I feel so helpless and weak right now... I can't even just step back. I'm normally so good at this... God, I need you... help... please
So of course I have been talking to her a little about all this ugly... without getting into a lot of details, but talking nonetheless. She knows very much how I try to fix me when I'm broken. I want the answers and hate things in limbo... and that's where I am on some of this ugly place I'm in... too much in limbo which is driving my butt crazy.
So what does she tell me today... just step back. Hmm... just step back... but doesn't that encourage limbo??? That's what driving me crazy. But as she is talking and explaining step back (it should be obvious, but it just isn't right now), God says in my ear that she's DEAD ON!!! I need to let go. I have grasped SO DAMN TIGHT because I'm afraid of losing... but because I've done that, I can't see answers, I can't rest, I can't leave this place and find light and beauty again. I am fighting to return to the ways things were, but am only fighting myself because my grasp is so tight because of that fear of losing.
Now the hard part... actually stepping back. It's so hard...God I feel so helpless and weak right now... I can't even just step back. I'm normally so good at this... God, I need you... help... please
False?
At work you have to be friendly and functional... away you have to be happy and nice. But what if at a certain time... a day, week or longer... you don't want to be friendly and functional barely happens. What if it just takes too much damn energy to be happy and nice?
Really... if anyone has an answer I'll take it...
This is me... at least right now. At work I am friendly and functional but only because I don't want to come across as a lazy jerk. Inside I just want to sit at my desk, try to be as functional as I possibly can so others don't have to pick up my slack... but don't want to be friendly, don't want to smile and functional is barely there. While I am at work, friendly and functional happen but at least with friendly... it's false. It has been too long since I can say that I have laughed at work. I work with some amazing people that are all kinds of funny and I laugh... and it's real... but it's been a while since I've REALLY laughed. I miss it. It's one of my favorite things.
And away from work, you're supposed to be happy and nice, but it really is so draining. The happy isn't always heartfelt and the nice is sometimes forced because I don't want to be an ass... at least not to people I care about. But some of it is false... and it never used to be... My little girl and my wife energize me and then all these things are true again. But they can be in the next room and I will be alone with me... and the truth of these things leaves again. I am with good friends and all these things are true and we laugh and all is good. But then they go home and they appear false again. I am alive when people that are close to me need me... not in the sense that "Yay I'm loved"... whatever... I know I'm loved (thankfully I know that)... but they need me in that I have something to offer them. I have an ear to give them so they can talk, I have a shoulder to they can brace themselves or cry, I have a hand and arms so I can hold them when they need hugged, I have a heart that can ache for them and I have a determination to see them ok... to see them protected and cared for... but even this doesn't always sustain... sometimes through myself... who the hell am I kidding... mostly if not always, through myself, something goes wrong and everything feels false again.
Here's the kicker... they may not REALLY BE FALSE!!! My family is in the other room but the love and all that was good is still there... My friends went home, but they are still closer to me that most families are and the laughs and love are still there. And those that I am blessed enough to help are still there. Some have left, but those are simply scars that remind that this business of being gratefully broken can cause pain... sometimes a lot of it... but it's all worth it. It's just right now they sure as hell feel false and that drives the ugly that I am in down further... sometimes to dark places.
Whatever I'm in is dragging on and I can't tell if it's because I'm tired, or the move we just did or varying other stresses. I mean, shit, I had an EKG last night because all day I had pretty good chest pain and constriction... it was just an "Overusage injury" but maybe not... maybe it was stress and anxiety. Just earlier this week... Tuesday I think, I sat at my desk consumed by thoughts that were stressing me and found it hard to breathe and felt the chest constriction again. I mean really... this doesn't happen to me... I am so damn put together... or is that false too? Guess it goes to show, no matter how gratefully broken you are... no matter how much brokenness you've gone through and come out on top... there's always more. I cry out for resolution soon though... for a break in this... God, will it come?
But it won't beat me. This part of me can't be false... it can't be... it's... me.
I may not be able to see it, but there is light at the end of this... and that's NOT false... that I know is true.
Really... if anyone has an answer I'll take it...
This is me... at least right now. At work I am friendly and functional but only because I don't want to come across as a lazy jerk. Inside I just want to sit at my desk, try to be as functional as I possibly can so others don't have to pick up my slack... but don't want to be friendly, don't want to smile and functional is barely there. While I am at work, friendly and functional happen but at least with friendly... it's false. It has been too long since I can say that I have laughed at work. I work with some amazing people that are all kinds of funny and I laugh... and it's real... but it's been a while since I've REALLY laughed. I miss it. It's one of my favorite things.
And away from work, you're supposed to be happy and nice, but it really is so draining. The happy isn't always heartfelt and the nice is sometimes forced because I don't want to be an ass... at least not to people I care about. But some of it is false... and it never used to be... My little girl and my wife energize me and then all these things are true again. But they can be in the next room and I will be alone with me... and the truth of these things leaves again. I am with good friends and all these things are true and we laugh and all is good. But then they go home and they appear false again. I am alive when people that are close to me need me... not in the sense that "Yay I'm loved"... whatever... I know I'm loved (thankfully I know that)... but they need me in that I have something to offer them. I have an ear to give them so they can talk, I have a shoulder to they can brace themselves or cry, I have a hand and arms so I can hold them when they need hugged, I have a heart that can ache for them and I have a determination to see them ok... to see them protected and cared for... but even this doesn't always sustain... sometimes through myself... who the hell am I kidding... mostly if not always, through myself, something goes wrong and everything feels false again.
Here's the kicker... they may not REALLY BE FALSE!!! My family is in the other room but the love and all that was good is still there... My friends went home, but they are still closer to me that most families are and the laughs and love are still there. And those that I am blessed enough to help are still there. Some have left, but those are simply scars that remind that this business of being gratefully broken can cause pain... sometimes a lot of it... but it's all worth it. It's just right now they sure as hell feel false and that drives the ugly that I am in down further... sometimes to dark places.
Whatever I'm in is dragging on and I can't tell if it's because I'm tired, or the move we just did or varying other stresses. I mean, shit, I had an EKG last night because all day I had pretty good chest pain and constriction... it was just an "Overusage injury" but maybe not... maybe it was stress and anxiety. Just earlier this week... Tuesday I think, I sat at my desk consumed by thoughts that were stressing me and found it hard to breathe and felt the chest constriction again. I mean really... this doesn't happen to me... I am so damn put together... or is that false too? Guess it goes to show, no matter how gratefully broken you are... no matter how much brokenness you've gone through and come out on top... there's always more. I cry out for resolution soon though... for a break in this... God, will it come?
But it won't beat me. This part of me can't be false... it can't be... it's... me.
I may not be able to see it, but there is light at the end of this... and that's NOT false... that I know is true.
Ruins
They're just shells of what they were. And yet, thousands still visit them for their beauty and for a love of them for what they are.
Can ruins ever be rebuilt...
... I don't know...
*deep sigh*
... I hope so
Can ruins ever be rebuilt...
... I don't know...
*deep sigh*
... I hope so
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Picasso
What talent and beauty that he created. And yet some of his works... even some of his most known works appear to be a jumbled mess. It kind of looks like something, but to an untrained eye... you're just not sure.
That's kind of how I feel inside. Not like a work of art but more like a jumbled mess. Maybe this is tired speaking, but maybe not. My thoughts and feelings, if put on a canvas, would be all over the place. The eyes would be in the chest, the ears on the hands... and the heart... the heart would be on the floor? To explain why I feel like this is beyond what I can do... which is why I say that a part of this may very well be tired speaking.
When Picasso creates his "jumbled messes" they are beautiful... and that's where his art and my insides part ways. This is not beautiful... in fact I hate feeling what I feel right now. I try my darndest to NOT fix people that are broken but to simply listen and provide a firm place where they can lean and a broad shoulder to cry on and help them carry the wright of their world and a protector or guard to walk with them through whatever they are going through. But with me... that's a different story in that when I get like this, most of the time I try to fix whatever it is and I try to fix it right frickin' now! This is not a dark place that I'm in because I don't fear that, but embrace it. This is an ugly place that I cannot stand. And thus I try to fix it. But for whatever reason, I can't... I can't seem to get a hold of it this time and that bothers me to no end. Oh there are rays of light that pierce the ugly, but they seem to continue to be taken captive... and sometimes become ugly themselves.
I know I will bounce back. I always do... it's not in me to quit... on me or anyone else. I'll be back... but for now... for this present time I am like a work of Picasso... only without the beauty. God I hope it ends soon.
That's kind of how I feel inside. Not like a work of art but more like a jumbled mess. Maybe this is tired speaking, but maybe not. My thoughts and feelings, if put on a canvas, would be all over the place. The eyes would be in the chest, the ears on the hands... and the heart... the heart would be on the floor? To explain why I feel like this is beyond what I can do... which is why I say that a part of this may very well be tired speaking.
When Picasso creates his "jumbled messes" they are beautiful... and that's where his art and my insides part ways. This is not beautiful... in fact I hate feeling what I feel right now. I try my darndest to NOT fix people that are broken but to simply listen and provide a firm place where they can lean and a broad shoulder to cry on and help them carry the wright of their world and a protector or guard to walk with them through whatever they are going through. But with me... that's a different story in that when I get like this, most of the time I try to fix whatever it is and I try to fix it right frickin' now! This is not a dark place that I'm in because I don't fear that, but embrace it. This is an ugly place that I cannot stand. And thus I try to fix it. But for whatever reason, I can't... I can't seem to get a hold of it this time and that bothers me to no end. Oh there are rays of light that pierce the ugly, but they seem to continue to be taken captive... and sometimes become ugly themselves.
I know I will bounce back. I always do... it's not in me to quit... on me or anyone else. I'll be back... but for now... for this present time I am like a work of Picasso... only without the beauty. God I hope it ends soon.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Just... yeah...
I am feeling so much right now that I want to write. Not necessarily about anything, but just write. This week has left my emotions and nerves so fried and touchy. Not necessarily in a bad way but it is what it is...
I feel a determination to learn and gain skills that will allow me to move to the next level in my work. There is an open position and I am believing for it but I can't just sit back and ask God for a handout. I am working my ass off to prepare for what could be such a huge blessing. But God doesn't owe me anything and while He could give me favor if it's his will, I will need to not just sit back with my damn hand open and expect something. He has given me a wonderful mind and so here's a thought... why not use it and show people that are doubters that I am ready for this... thus I feel a determination that I haven't felt in a LONG time... if ever. And that alone can cause your emotions and nerves to be on edge... oh no... that's not enough for Jeff.
We're moving into a bigger place at the end of the month. It's a such a wonderful place. A huge kitchen that Julia will be happy in and storage... oh my gosh the amount of areas we'll have for storage. It's open so I won't feel trapped at home anymore... and the porch... oh the porch. I am a porch sitting kind of guy... I love to be out there and I couldn't tell you why... but I think well there, I have good talks with good friends there. The porch is MY favorite part of the house. My little girl will be able to run and be a little girl and it will be good. But with all this goodness comes greater costs and we have to breathe a deep sigh and believe that it will be ok. We won't be hurting by any means, but... yeah... And so that goes back to the first thing of the open position which if I got that, this money crap wouldn't even be a thought... I mean, we wouldn't be rich and couldn't be stupid with our money, but living like we do, which is comfortable, we would have no problems... but I have to get it so I need to go work on my resume, interview prep and learning these necessary skills... see how just these two things go round and round?
We have a member of our family that has just moved down here and it has been a really hard transition for her. She has been so homesick but knows she's doing what's best. It's hurt the past little while that there's nothing I have been able to do to really help... but you know what... she's beginning to settle in. She has found a great job that she enjoys the work and the people. As she put it, it's a place and they're people that she can be herself and not have to put on a fake every day. You should see her smile right now and that makes me so happy. I can't even explain how happy that makes me feel for her.
Add extreme happy to the mix of things, which is by NO means a bad thing to add... but extreme happy causes the emotions and nerves to run hard. Wouldn't trade it for the world though... so far I wouldn't trade any of this for the world... I don't think I mean for any of this to come across as bad... I'm just fried but not tired so I can't sleep. I have so many things running through my heart and mind that my emotions are on edge. I feel as if I could break out into fit of laughter that would lead to sobs... don't know if of sadness or what... but sobs. Then maybe I'd just be quiet and thoughtful... that's kinda where I am now... maybe I'd be dark for a second and then light... I don't know... I really don't... I just needed to type... and so... yeah.
I think I'm gonna go lay down now... if I'm able to sleep I will talk to you all later... if not, I may be back tonight :)
Good night world... or for some of you good morning... you get the point...
Just remember that sometimes it's ok to have moments and even days at a time when all you can say or feel is... just... yeah...
There's nothing wrong with it... at least not in my mind/heart.
I feel a determination to learn and gain skills that will allow me to move to the next level in my work. There is an open position and I am believing for it but I can't just sit back and ask God for a handout. I am working my ass off to prepare for what could be such a huge blessing. But God doesn't owe me anything and while He could give me favor if it's his will, I will need to not just sit back with my damn hand open and expect something. He has given me a wonderful mind and so here's a thought... why not use it and show people that are doubters that I am ready for this... thus I feel a determination that I haven't felt in a LONG time... if ever. And that alone can cause your emotions and nerves to be on edge... oh no... that's not enough for Jeff.
We're moving into a bigger place at the end of the month. It's a such a wonderful place. A huge kitchen that Julia will be happy in and storage... oh my gosh the amount of areas we'll have for storage. It's open so I won't feel trapped at home anymore... and the porch... oh the porch. I am a porch sitting kind of guy... I love to be out there and I couldn't tell you why... but I think well there, I have good talks with good friends there. The porch is MY favorite part of the house. My little girl will be able to run and be a little girl and it will be good. But with all this goodness comes greater costs and we have to breathe a deep sigh and believe that it will be ok. We won't be hurting by any means, but... yeah... And so that goes back to the first thing of the open position which if I got that, this money crap wouldn't even be a thought... I mean, we wouldn't be rich and couldn't be stupid with our money, but living like we do, which is comfortable, we would have no problems... but I have to get it so I need to go work on my resume, interview prep and learning these necessary skills... see how just these two things go round and round?
We have a member of our family that has just moved down here and it has been a really hard transition for her. She has been so homesick but knows she's doing what's best. It's hurt the past little while that there's nothing I have been able to do to really help... but you know what... she's beginning to settle in. She has found a great job that she enjoys the work and the people. As she put it, it's a place and they're people that she can be herself and not have to put on a fake every day. You should see her smile right now and that makes me so happy. I can't even explain how happy that makes me feel for her.
Add extreme happy to the mix of things, which is by NO means a bad thing to add... but extreme happy causes the emotions and nerves to run hard. Wouldn't trade it for the world though... so far I wouldn't trade any of this for the world... I don't think I mean for any of this to come across as bad... I'm just fried but not tired so I can't sleep. I have so many things running through my heart and mind that my emotions are on edge. I feel as if I could break out into fit of laughter that would lead to sobs... don't know if of sadness or what... but sobs. Then maybe I'd just be quiet and thoughtful... that's kinda where I am now... maybe I'd be dark for a second and then light... I don't know... I really don't... I just needed to type... and so... yeah.
I think I'm gonna go lay down now... if I'm able to sleep I will talk to you all later... if not, I may be back tonight :)
Good night world... or for some of you good morning... you get the point...
Just remember that sometimes it's ok to have moments and even days at a time when all you can say or feel is... just... yeah...
There's nothing wrong with it... at least not in my mind/heart.
Enemies
"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." (Cheri W. - family friend)
I really like this quote... and to be completely honest, I'm not sure where I'll take this post. So many people... too many... see enemies as a bad thing. And I'm not saying that I enjoy them... but Cheri's quote is true. That if you've ever stood up for something at some time in your life, you'll have at least one. I dare to take this a little further and add that if you've ever done anything great in your life... or if you strive to be the best at whatever you do you will have enemies. If you don't settle for what society calls the norm and you don't settle for good enough, you'll have enemies... and THAT is why I don't necessarily look at them as a bad thing.
I want to do great things in my life and I want to be the best at what I do. I sure as hell won't settle for what society calls normal because that's just plain messed up. And if Cheri is right, and I think she is, I have and will continue to stand up for things I believe are right and good. I'll continue to stand up for the things I believe are real. There is so much fake out there that it seems like too often what's real can't be found. That not only scares me but it makes me sad. I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on what is real, but then again, who the hell am I to judge... maybe I'm the one that's off here.
For as long as I can remember, I haven't necessarily thought the same way as a lot of people. So maybe I AM the one that's off here... maybe it's me that has trouble figuring out what's real and what's fake. And yet, then I'm led to look around myself and see people like Cheri, all of my closest family (will define what I mean by family later... that's also not necessarily normal...) and so many people that I have started to see coming out of nowhere that think like I do... and it's not only a nice feeling, but it's a refreshing feeling. Some of my fellow crazy thinkers have brought me the feeling that I'm not alone to so many things that I've thought differently about for years. And to me that's refreshing, as it is anytime you figure out you're not really alone.
This post is making me think too much and making me want to go in too many directions so I think it best to stop.
Thank you Cheri for an awesome quote.
I really like this quote... and to be completely honest, I'm not sure where I'll take this post. So many people... too many... see enemies as a bad thing. And I'm not saying that I enjoy them... but Cheri's quote is true. That if you've ever stood up for something at some time in your life, you'll have at least one. I dare to take this a little further and add that if you've ever done anything great in your life... or if you strive to be the best at whatever you do you will have enemies. If you don't settle for what society calls the norm and you don't settle for good enough, you'll have enemies... and THAT is why I don't necessarily look at them as a bad thing.
I want to do great things in my life and I want to be the best at what I do. I sure as hell won't settle for what society calls normal because that's just plain messed up. And if Cheri is right, and I think she is, I have and will continue to stand up for things I believe are right and good. I'll continue to stand up for the things I believe are real. There is so much fake out there that it seems like too often what's real can't be found. That not only scares me but it makes me sad. I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on what is real, but then again, who the hell am I to judge... maybe I'm the one that's off here.
For as long as I can remember, I haven't necessarily thought the same way as a lot of people. So maybe I AM the one that's off here... maybe it's me that has trouble figuring out what's real and what's fake. And yet, then I'm led to look around myself and see people like Cheri, all of my closest family (will define what I mean by family later... that's also not necessarily normal...) and so many people that I have started to see coming out of nowhere that think like I do... and it's not only a nice feeling, but it's a refreshing feeling. Some of my fellow crazy thinkers have brought me the feeling that I'm not alone to so many things that I've thought differently about for years. And to me that's refreshing, as it is anytime you figure out you're not really alone.
This post is making me think too much and making me want to go in too many directions so I think it best to stop.
Thank you Cheri for an awesome quote.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Sharing the Road
Sharing the road in general with people
What does it mean to walk the road of life with people? A give and take... NOT just a take... but also NOT just a give.
The blessings it can bring... the hardships it can create... the scars that it can leave... but isn't it worth it?!?!?!
yes
What does it mean to walk the road of life with people? A give and take... NOT just a take... but also NOT just a give.
The blessings it can bring... the hardships it can create... the scars that it can leave... but isn't it worth it?!?!?!
yes
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Disclaimer... I guess
I figured I'd add this up front because I've been told by many that I don't think "normal." I'm not fully sure what normal thinking is, but I figured I'd just share a quick bit about what I will do with this and what to expect... I guess...
I'm sure I will share my past experiences as well as the things that happen now. This is an opportunity to share my life with anyone that is interested. I don't promise to be pretty with what's said, and I can't tell anyone that I will always have a positive spin on things... but I do promise to be real. I hate fake and so if I don't currently see anything good or nice about what I'm writing, I won't pretend something's there. At the same time, if there is good to share I will absolutely share it. I believe that if you involve yourself with someone (which I guess you are if you are reading this) you share the good and bad, pretty and ugly. That is what I will do.
I won't offend on purpose but if you're someone that's easily offended you may want to call it night now or try another blog. If it is true that I don't think "normal" then I also may step on toes... you will just have to trust me that I usually don't do so on purpose.
I think that's it for a disclaimer... enjoy
I'm sure I will share my past experiences as well as the things that happen now. This is an opportunity to share my life with anyone that is interested. I don't promise to be pretty with what's said, and I can't tell anyone that I will always have a positive spin on things... but I do promise to be real. I hate fake and so if I don't currently see anything good or nice about what I'm writing, I won't pretend something's there. At the same time, if there is good to share I will absolutely share it. I believe that if you involve yourself with someone (which I guess you are if you are reading this) you share the good and bad, pretty and ugly. That is what I will do.
I won't offend on purpose but if you're someone that's easily offended you may want to call it night now or try another blog. If it is true that I don't think "normal" then I also may step on toes... you will just have to trust me that I usually don't do so on purpose.
I think that's it for a disclaimer... enjoy
Why Gratefully Broken?
So why did I choose "Gratefully broken" as the title of my blog? Well... I'm using my blog as sort of a journal. If people find it and enjoy reading it or get something out of it then fine... but really it's just my journal, which should be who I am. And I'm gratefully broken.
I've been through broken... it brought me to so many depths of darkness and to places I never thought I'd see my way out of. And once broken in so many ways, you aren't ever fully pieced back together. But I'm led to wonder if that's how it's actually supposed to be. In that brokeness I have become so strong and confident... and for that... I'm gratefully broken.
This is not to say that I don't still have to travel through dark times and I'm absolutely not saying that they don't suck... they do! They hurt just as much as ever. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not afraid of the dark nor am I afraid of being broken. So WHEN dark times come, when I'm broken for one reason or another, and when the pain wrenches my heart, I am grateful for what I will receive from it. Because of what my past has taught me, I am able to be gratefully broken
I've been through broken... it brought me to so many depths of darkness and to places I never thought I'd see my way out of. And once broken in so many ways, you aren't ever fully pieced back together. But I'm led to wonder if that's how it's actually supposed to be. In that brokeness I have become so strong and confident... and for that... I'm gratefully broken.
This is not to say that I don't still have to travel through dark times and I'm absolutely not saying that they don't suck... they do! They hurt just as much as ever. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not afraid of the dark nor am I afraid of being broken. So WHEN dark times come, when I'm broken for one reason or another, and when the pain wrenches my heart, I am grateful for what I will receive from it. Because of what my past has taught me, I am able to be gratefully broken
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