Thankful for baseball

I just needed to say that I am very thankful for baseball and my brother-in-law. In the middle of all of this today (as you can see I've written a lot), he and I have been texting about possible things we've heard about the Mariners and possible moves. It's simply amazing to talk about something I am SOOOO passionate about with someone that is probably as passionate.

I am thankful for baseball and my brother-in-law. He has no idea what this has meant. Thank you God for Johnathan and baseball... *smile*

Battered Soldier

I'm a warrior... a soldier... a fighter... a protector... but not in the traditional sense that you may think. I can count the fights I've been involved in on one hand. But I'm all those things because I don't let things stand pat. When people that I care for are in need, I will fight to the death for them. I will fight along side of them and when they can't continue on, I will fight for them while protecting them. I will rally others to stand guard while my people recoup. I love them and will give my life for them. I'm a warrior, a soldier, fighter and protector.

Most are equipped with the ability to know when they themselves have been battered to the point of needing to let those around them stand guard and protect while they recoup. Most know when they've taken enough to stop and allow themselves to heal. Sometimes... maybe more times than not, I question that I have that ability. It's been said, by people that are closest to me, that one of the things about me that scares them is I don't stop... I press on and press on... but they are afraid for me with reason. When wounded if I keep on going, I will fall... which is where I feel I am now. Not totally fallen, but beaten to the point of staggering and falling to my knees... but still pressing on and still fighting.

But I have to stop. I need to learn that ability to know when to let others hold me up in the same way I hold them up. When I'm wounded I have in the past done more harm than good. Unfortunately I feel like I am there now. I have been fighting for the lives of several of the people that are close to me and I now stand... staggering... wounded... will I fall? Will the very things and people around me that I've been fighting for suffer because I have not stopped, stepped back and let others fight for me? Do I know how to stop? Do I really know how to let others stand around me and protect me? Have I let them know? How do I let them know?

If I cry for help, for people to come to my side and patch me up... to protect me while I heal, as a fighter, does that make me weak? Does that make me less of a warrior and protector? That is such a huge part of me that I can't handle the thought of being less... but I have to change my thinking before I allow it to make me no warrior at all. I have to change this in me before those I love suffer more than they have already... before those I am trying to protect are sacrificed as they are foced to step over a fallen warrior that was once me.

I don't know what it will look like, but here is my call for help. To my fellow soldiers, I am battered, I have fallen to my knees and don't want to fall more. God it scares me to think of that... I need you... I need your help. I don't know how to tell you what I need... I just don't know... but I do know I need you if you will so I can rise again, so I can rest and heal.

I am a warrior... a soldier... a fighter... and a protector... and I don't want to stop being that.

Step Back

I have a great friend at work... she helps keep me square on the ground and helps me think things through.

So of course I have been talking to her a little about all this ugly... without getting into a lot of details, but talking nonetheless. She knows very much how I try to fix me when I'm broken. I want the answers and hate things in limbo... and that's where I am on some of this ugly place I'm in... too much in limbo which is driving my butt crazy.

So what does she tell me today... just step back. Hmm... just step back... but doesn't that encourage limbo??? That's what driving me crazy. But as she is talking and explaining step back (it should be obvious, but it just isn't right now), God says in my ear that she's DEAD ON!!! I need to let go. I have grasped SO DAMN TIGHT because I'm afraid of losing... but because I've done that, I can't see answers, I can't rest, I can't leave this place and find light and beauty again. I am fighting to return to the ways things were, but am only fighting myself because my grasp is so tight because of that fear of losing.

Now the hard part... actually stepping back. It's so hard...God I feel so helpless and weak right now... I can't even just step back. I'm normally so good at this... God, I need you... help... please

False?

At work you have to be friendly and functional... away you have to be happy and nice. But what if at a certain time... a day, week or longer... you don't want to be friendly and functional barely happens. What if it just takes too much damn energy to be happy and nice?

Really... if anyone has an answer I'll take it...

This is me... at least right now. At work I am friendly and functional but only because I don't want to come across as a lazy jerk. Inside I just want to sit at my desk, try to be as functional as I possibly can so others don't have to pick up my slack... but don't want to be friendly, don't want to smile and functional is barely there. While I am at work, friendly and functional happen but at least with friendly... it's false. It has been too long since I can say that I have laughed at work. I work with some amazing people that are all kinds of funny and I laugh... and it's real... but it's been a while since I've REALLY laughed. I miss it. It's one of my favorite things.

And away from work, you're supposed to be happy and nice, but it really is so draining. The happy isn't always heartfelt and the nice is sometimes forced because I don't want to be an ass... at least not to people I care about. But some of it is false... and it never used to be... My little girl and my wife energize me and then all these things are true again. But they can be in the next room and I will be alone with me... and the truth of these things leaves again. I am with good friends and all these things are true and we laugh and all is good. But then they go home and they appear false again. I am alive when people that are close to me need me... not in the sense that "Yay I'm loved"... whatever... I know I'm loved (thankfully I know that)... but they need me in that I have something to offer them. I have an ear to give them so they can talk, I have a shoulder to they can brace themselves or cry, I have a hand and arms so I can hold them when they need hugged, I have a heart that can ache for them and I have a determination to see them ok... to see them protected and cared for... but even this doesn't always sustain... sometimes through myself... who the hell am I kidding... mostly if not always, through myself, something goes wrong and everything feels false again.

Here's the kicker... they may not REALLY BE FALSE!!! My family is in the other room but the love and all that was good is still there... My friends went home, but they are still closer to me that most families are and the laughs and love are still there. And those that I am blessed enough to help are still there. Some have left, but those are simply scars that remind that this business of being gratefully broken can cause pain... sometimes a lot of it... but it's all worth it. It's just right now they sure as hell feel false and that drives the ugly that I am in down further... sometimes to dark places.

Whatever I'm in is dragging on and I can't tell if it's because I'm tired, or the move we just did or varying other stresses. I mean, shit, I had an EKG last night because all day I had pretty good chest pain and constriction... it was just an "Overusage injury" but maybe not... maybe it was stress and anxiety. Just earlier this week... Tuesday I think, I sat at my desk consumed by thoughts that were stressing me and found it hard to breathe and felt the chest constriction again. I mean really... this doesn't happen to me... I am so damn put together... or is that false too? Guess it goes to show, no matter how gratefully broken you are... no matter how much brokenness you've gone through and come out on top... there's always more. I cry out for resolution soon though... for a break in this... God, will it come?

But it won't beat me. This part of me can't be false... it can't be... it's... me.

I may not be able to see it, but there is light at the end of this... and that's NOT false... that I know is true.

Ruins

They're just shells of what they were. And yet, thousands still visit them for their beauty and for a love of them for what they are.

Can ruins ever be rebuilt...

... I don't know...

*deep sigh*

... I hope so

Picasso

What talent and beauty that he created. And yet some of his works... even some of his most known works appear to be a jumbled mess. It kind of looks like something, but to an untrained eye... you're just not sure.

That's kind of how I feel inside. Not like a work of art but more like a jumbled mess. Maybe this is tired speaking, but maybe not. My thoughts and feelings, if put on a canvas, would be all over the place. The eyes would be in the chest, the ears on the hands... and the heart... the heart would be on the floor? To explain why I feel like this is beyond what I can do... which is why I say that a part of this may very well be tired speaking.

When Picasso creates his "jumbled messes" they are beautiful... and that's where his art and my insides part ways. This is not beautiful... in fact I hate feeling what I feel right now. I try my darndest to NOT fix people that are broken but to simply listen and provide a firm place where they can lean and a broad shoulder to cry on and help them carry the wright of their world and a protector or guard to walk with them through whatever they are going through. But with me... that's a different story in that when I get like this, most of the time I try to fix whatever it is and I try to fix it right frickin' now! This is not a dark place that I'm in because I don't fear that, but embrace it. This is an ugly place that I cannot stand. And thus I try to fix it. But for whatever reason, I can't... I can't seem to get a hold of it this time and that bothers me to no end. Oh there are rays of light that pierce the ugly, but they seem to continue to be taken captive... and sometimes become ugly themselves.

I know I will bounce back. I always do... it's not in me to quit... on me or anyone else. I'll be back... but for now... for this present time I am like a work of Picasso... only without the beauty. God I hope it ends soon.

Just... yeah...

I am feeling so much right now that I want to write. Not necessarily about anything, but just write. This week has left my emotions and nerves so fried and touchy. Not necessarily in a bad way but it is what it is...

I feel a determination to learn and gain skills that will allow me to move to the next level in my work. There is an open position and I am believing for it but I can't just sit back and ask God for a handout. I am working my ass off to prepare for what could be such a huge blessing. But God doesn't owe me anything and while He could give me favor if it's his will, I will need to not just sit back with my damn hand open and expect something. He has given me a wonderful mind and so here's a thought... why not use it and show people that are doubters that I am ready for this... thus I feel a determination that I haven't felt in a LONG time... if ever. And that alone can cause your emotions and nerves to be on edge... oh no... that's not enough for Jeff.

We're moving into a bigger place at the end of the month. It's a such a wonderful place. A huge kitchen that Julia will be happy in and storage... oh my gosh the amount of areas we'll have for storage. It's open so I won't feel trapped at home anymore... and the porch... oh the porch. I am a porch sitting kind of guy... I love to be out there and I couldn't tell you why... but I think well there, I have good talks with good friends there. The porch is MY favorite part of the house. My little girl will be able to run and be a little girl and it will be good. But with all this goodness comes greater costs and we have to breathe a deep sigh and believe that it will be ok. We won't be hurting by any means, but... yeah... And so that goes back to the first thing of the open position which if I got that, this money crap wouldn't even be a thought... I mean, we wouldn't be rich and couldn't be stupid with our money, but living like we do, which is comfortable, we would have no problems... but I have to get it so I need to go work on my resume, interview prep and learning these necessary skills... see how just these two things go round and round?

We have a member of our family that has just moved down here and it has been a really hard transition for her. She has been so homesick but knows she's doing what's best. It's hurt the past little while that there's nothing I have been able to do to really help... but you know what... she's beginning to settle in. She has found a great job that she enjoys the work and the people. As she put it, it's a place and they're people that she can be herself and not have to put on a fake every day. You should see her smile right now and that makes me so happy. I can't even explain how happy that makes me feel for her.

Add extreme happy to the mix of things, which is by NO means a bad thing to add... but extreme happy causes the emotions and nerves to run hard. Wouldn't trade it for the world though... so far I wouldn't trade any of this for the world... I don't think I mean for any of this to come across as bad... I'm just fried but not tired so I can't sleep. I have so many things running through my heart and mind that my emotions are on edge. I feel as if I could break out into fit of laughter that would lead to sobs... don't know if of sadness or what... but sobs. Then maybe I'd just be quiet and thoughtful... that's kinda where I am now... maybe I'd be dark for a second and then light... I don't know... I really don't... I just needed to type... and so... yeah.

I think I'm gonna go lay down now... if I'm able to sleep I will talk to you all later... if not, I may be back tonight :)
Good night world... or for some of you good morning... you get the point...
Just remember that sometimes it's ok to have moments and even days at a time when all you can say or feel is... just... yeah...
There's nothing wrong with it... at least not in my mind/heart.

Enemies

"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." (Cheri W. - family friend)

I really like this quote... and to be completely honest, I'm not sure where I'll take this post. So many people... too many... see enemies as a bad thing. And I'm not saying that I enjoy them... but Cheri's quote is true. That if you've ever stood up for something at some time in your life, you'll have at least one. I dare to take this a little further and add that if you've ever done anything great in your life... or if you strive to be the best at whatever you do you will have enemies. If you don't settle for what society calls the norm and you don't settle for good enough, you'll have enemies... and THAT is why I don't necessarily look at them as a bad thing.

I want to do great things in my life and I want to be the best at what I do. I sure as hell won't settle for what society calls normal because that's just plain messed up. And if Cheri is right, and I think she is, I have and will continue to stand up for things I believe are right and good. I'll continue to stand up for the things I believe are real. There is so much fake out there that it seems like too often what's real can't be found. That not only scares me but it makes me sad. I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on what is real, but then again, who the hell am I to judge... maybe I'm the one that's off here.

For as long as I can remember, I haven't necessarily thought the same way as a lot of people. So maybe I AM the one that's off here... maybe it's me that has trouble figuring out what's real and what's fake. And yet, then I'm led to look around myself and see people like Cheri, all of my closest family (will define what I mean by family later... that's also not necessarily normal...) and so many people that I have started to see coming out of nowhere that think like I do... and it's not only a nice feeling, but it's a refreshing feeling. Some of my fellow crazy thinkers have brought me the feeling that I'm not alone to so many things that I've thought differently about for years. And to me that's refreshing, as it is anytime you figure out you're not really alone.

This post is making me think too much and making me want to go in too many directions so I think it best to stop.

Thank you Cheri for an awesome quote.

Sharing the Road

Sharing the road in general with people

What does it mean to walk the road of life with people? A give and take... NOT just a take... but also NOT just a give.

The blessings it can bring... the hardships it can create... the scars that it can leave... but isn't it worth it?!?!?!

yes

Disclaimer... I guess

I figured I'd add this up front because I've been told by many that I don't think "normal." I'm not fully sure what normal thinking is, but I figured I'd just share a quick bit about what I will do with this and what to expect... I guess...

I'm sure I will share my past experiences as well as the things that happen now. This is an opportunity to share my life with anyone that is interested. I don't promise to be pretty with what's said, and I can't tell anyone that I will always have a positive spin on things... but I do promise to be real. I hate fake and so if I don't currently see anything good or nice about what I'm writing, I won't pretend something's there. At the same time, if there is good to share I will absolutely share it. I believe that if you involve yourself with someone (which I guess you are if you are reading this) you share the good and bad, pretty and ugly. That is what I will do.
I won't offend on purpose but if you're someone that's easily offended you may want to call it night now or try another blog. If it is true that I don't think "normal" then I also may step on toes... you will just have to trust me that I usually don't do so on purpose.
I think that's it for a disclaimer... enjoy

Why Gratefully Broken?

So why did I choose "Gratefully broken" as the title of my blog? Well... I'm using my blog as sort of a journal. If people find it and enjoy reading it or get something out of it then fine... but really it's just my journal, which should be who I am. And I'm gratefully broken.
I've been through broken... it brought me to so many depths of darkness and to places I never thought I'd see my way out of. And once broken in so many ways, you aren't ever fully pieced back together. But I'm led to wonder if that's how it's actually supposed to be. In that brokeness I have become so strong and confident... and for that... I'm gratefully broken.
This is not to say that I don't still have to travel through dark times and I'm absolutely not saying that they don't suck... they do! They hurt just as much as ever. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not afraid of the dark nor am I afraid of being broken. So WHEN dark times come, when I'm broken for one reason or another, and when the pain wrenches my heart, I am grateful for what I will receive from it. Because of what my past has taught me, I am able to be gratefully broken