Yesterday I was walking on the treadmill and just had the time to think... I was looking down, watching my feet (I know not the best practice if you don't want to be THAT GUY that falls off... but it is what it is)... and just began to think. Think about the road of life that we are all on... no matter what your road looks like or where it is... we walk it. Sometimes alone but hopefully most often with people you've allowed close to you. Sometimes it's a simple, enjoyable walk, and sometimes it's an uphill battle with all kinds of crap in your way.
As I'm thinking about this on the treadmill, I began to think that the treadmill is a useful tool. If you're not ready to get out there and actually walk your road, it can help you get ready. It stretches and strengthes your muscles so you can make those strides. You can adjust the settings to have an easy walk or an uphill one. But the bottom line is this... on day... you have to get off the treatmill and start walking your road. You have to get away from the comfort of the training exercise and actually start walking. If you don't... just like on a treadmill, you go nowhere. You will work all that time and put all that effort into what amounts to NOTHING.
Again, the treadmill is useful for a time in order to help you prepare to walk your road, and it can be useful to come back to from time to time... mainly when you need a rest from the road but don't want to get out of walking/living shape. But it will eventually be your downfall and your source of frustration if you don't hit that big red STOP button and get off of it and begin to walk your road.
So what is this metaphorical treadmill? That's not something I can tell you... you have to figure it out on your own... come to think of it... I'm not sure I fully know what MY treadmill is. It's something we all need to know, because if we don't, we may not be able to tell if you're walking a treadmill and going nowhere or if we're actually walking our road and living life.
Wish me luck as I figure out what my treadmill is (or maybe more than one). What's in my life that I could consider, at least somewhat, useful in living life, but at the same time could be something that would keep me from living life? I want to make sure that I am actually walking my road and actually living life. I don't want to look up one day and realize I've put so much effort into what I've been doing and the scene hasn't changed... that I've gone nowhere...
And I wish you luck as you do the same.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Love to laugh...
... and miss it when it seems to not be around. There has been all too much missing the laughs over the last month and a half or so... not all the time... but too much missing the laughs. This last weekend was a GREAT time of laughing.
Friday night I took my girls out to go see "The Princess and the Frog" and the $2 theater, and we told Chels it was a surprise when I got home from work. She went NUTS!!! She was dancing and running all over because she got a surprise. She bugged me several times to know what it was (and she's only 3... takes after her mom like that). We got up towards the movie theater and she said she wanted to go there and wanted to see Princess and the Frog... we hadn't said anything and I had JUST found out it was playing... I don't know where she got it... too smart that one. But we had a blast. She is so cute when she gets to go to the movie and then her and mommy played a driving game after we were done. Again that was awesome and I laughed a lot.
Saturaday was a pretty laid back day... Julia left for a little while, and so Chelsea and I went into the back yard and enjoyed some sunshine for a while. We played with her oversized bowling set and she was so cute, so amazing and so funny. It was a blast!!! And that evening Julia and I got to spend some time with friends having a wonderful dinner and a great time of laughter and just talking about whatever. It's nice to just hang out... it's even nicer when you have friends at work that you want to hang out with outside of the walls of work. There was just a lot of laughing at SO MANY different things. It was so much fun and I hope to do it again soon.
Sunday was a great day that left me sore. We FINALLY have a yard because we are now in a house. And while it was very tiring mowing, edging everything and doing everything else that needed done, it was so much fun. For one, I am finally thankful to have a yard for my little girl to play in and if that means I have to take care of it, then that is such a small price to pay. It was also such a beautiful day that it was so nice to be outside. And I got to spend it with my two girls. Watching Chelsea pick up rocks and look for worms was great. She was such a great helper. Absolutely amazing.
What a weekend... it was packed with so much laughter and fun!!! I love to laugh... and I miss it when it seems like it's taken off... but this weekend it was very much present. Welcome back old friend... come in and stay!!!
Friday night I took my girls out to go see "The Princess and the Frog" and the $2 theater, and we told Chels it was a surprise when I got home from work. She went NUTS!!! She was dancing and running all over because she got a surprise. She bugged me several times to know what it was (and she's only 3... takes after her mom like that). We got up towards the movie theater and she said she wanted to go there and wanted to see Princess and the Frog... we hadn't said anything and I had JUST found out it was playing... I don't know where she got it... too smart that one. But we had a blast. She is so cute when she gets to go to the movie and then her and mommy played a driving game after we were done. Again that was awesome and I laughed a lot.
Saturaday was a pretty laid back day... Julia left for a little while, and so Chelsea and I went into the back yard and enjoyed some sunshine for a while. We played with her oversized bowling set and she was so cute, so amazing and so funny. It was a blast!!! And that evening Julia and I got to spend some time with friends having a wonderful dinner and a great time of laughter and just talking about whatever. It's nice to just hang out... it's even nicer when you have friends at work that you want to hang out with outside of the walls of work. There was just a lot of laughing at SO MANY different things. It was so much fun and I hope to do it again soon.
Sunday was a great day that left me sore. We FINALLY have a yard because we are now in a house. And while it was very tiring mowing, edging everything and doing everything else that needed done, it was so much fun. For one, I am finally thankful to have a yard for my little girl to play in and if that means I have to take care of it, then that is such a small price to pay. It was also such a beautiful day that it was so nice to be outside. And I got to spend it with my two girls. Watching Chelsea pick up rocks and look for worms was great. She was such a great helper. Absolutely amazing.
What a weekend... it was packed with so much laughter and fun!!! I love to laugh... and I miss it when it seems like it's taken off... but this weekend it was very much present. Welcome back old friend... come in and stay!!!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
After the dark
The light is amazing when you've been plunged into the darkness. Even when the dark tries to creep up again... the light overcomes it and pushes it back where it belongs...
However, in the darkness there is always something to gain... and now I must remember what I've learned in this darkness...
If I don't... I choose to re-enter it... and not gonna lie... I really don't want to take that detour again. :)
However, in the darkness there is always something to gain... and now I must remember what I've learned in this darkness...
If I don't... I choose to re-enter it... and not gonna lie... I really don't want to take that detour again. :)
Remember...
Finally... *breathes a hugh sigh of relief*... I feel like I'm returning to normal... which, I know, I know... for me isn't all that normal. But I'm starting to rest and be able to let go and I'm starting to rise again. Not there totally... still have a ways to go... and not really even ready to fight again... still need to rest more... heal more... but I'm closer... and I can start to feel it.
It's pretty freaking amazing (not in a good way) when life deals you a difficult or painful card and instead of playing it, or dealing with it, you put it in your hand and just hold on... then another is dealt and you hold on to that one. They seem to keep coming and so instead of playing them/dealing with them you keep holding onto them... tighter and tighter. I don't know how many I had in my hand, but I'm pretty sure I was white-knuckle with how tight I was holding on.
Of all that I am getting out of this... that's the most important thing I'm having to learn. I have to let go... I have to step back and not worry about things I cannot control. I have to keep a constant reminder that when life deals a hurtful hand, play it... don't hold it. With all that I've been through, you would think I would have it down, but I have never been good at letting go. When it comes to something I care about, and especially when it's people I care about, I have a tendency to hold on tighter... which is oppostite of helpful. It wears me down and I don't realize it until it's too late... until I'm worn out and ready to collapse. I don't see it until I cause some kind of harm myself.
I am a very strong person. I have always been able to bare the loads of myself and others... it's one of the reasons I'm here. God has put me here to help others... and I love it. I should know this by now, but I am still learning, that while I love to walk with others... and fight for them... and carry them when needed... I have to remember it's not my strength and it's not my wisdom... But it's God through me... And what that means is that I have to remember to let go and step back... I have to rest and regain my strength... And I must be a friend & brother, nothing more... not a parent or a nag... not a controller or a dictator. To try and be more only opens the door wide open for frustration, confusion and hurt... sound like fun? I didn't think so either. I have to remember. I have to keep a constant reminder of this... if I'm really here to help and care for others, then this is vital. Who knows how many times I could afford to allow myself to get here without doing perminant damage to who I am at the very core.
I'm strong... but not that strong.
It's pretty freaking amazing (not in a good way) when life deals you a difficult or painful card and instead of playing it, or dealing with it, you put it in your hand and just hold on... then another is dealt and you hold on to that one. They seem to keep coming and so instead of playing them/dealing with them you keep holding onto them... tighter and tighter. I don't know how many I had in my hand, but I'm pretty sure I was white-knuckle with how tight I was holding on.
Of all that I am getting out of this... that's the most important thing I'm having to learn. I have to let go... I have to step back and not worry about things I cannot control. I have to keep a constant reminder that when life deals a hurtful hand, play it... don't hold it. With all that I've been through, you would think I would have it down, but I have never been good at letting go. When it comes to something I care about, and especially when it's people I care about, I have a tendency to hold on tighter... which is oppostite of helpful. It wears me down and I don't realize it until it's too late... until I'm worn out and ready to collapse. I don't see it until I cause some kind of harm myself.
I am a very strong person. I have always been able to bare the loads of myself and others... it's one of the reasons I'm here. God has put me here to help others... and I love it. I should know this by now, but I am still learning, that while I love to walk with others... and fight for them... and carry them when needed... I have to remember it's not my strength and it's not my wisdom... But it's God through me... And what that means is that I have to remember to let go and step back... I have to rest and regain my strength... And I must be a friend & brother, nothing more... not a parent or a nag... not a controller or a dictator. To try and be more only opens the door wide open for frustration, confusion and hurt... sound like fun? I didn't think so either. I have to remember. I have to keep a constant reminder of this... if I'm really here to help and care for others, then this is vital. Who knows how many times I could afford to allow myself to get here without doing perminant damage to who I am at the very core.
I'm strong... but not that strong.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Amazing People
For so many things in my life I am blessed by God. But especially because of the people in my life.
To all of you that walk with me every day... to those of you that live life with me, thank you. I am truly blessed because of you.
Thank you to all those who are standing around me now... standing guard while I rest and get ready to fight again... to get ready to walk down this road called life again.
I am truly blessed and I hope and pray you will all continue to live life with me, walk down the road of life with me... and let me do the same with you.
To all of you that walk with me every day... to those of you that live life with me, thank you. I am truly blessed because of you.
Thank you to all those who are standing around me now... standing guard while I rest and get ready to fight again... to get ready to walk down this road called life again.
I am truly blessed and I hope and pray you will all continue to live life with me, walk down the road of life with me... and let me do the same with you.
Let It Go
This probably sounds a lot like Step Back and they are a similar message and they're both from God. Sometimes I'm just thick-headed. But I also wanted to write this one because after a long weekend of battling myself (real smart Jeff), wrestling with God (again... bright... really I am much brighter than that) and talking with my amazing wife... I am lighter and in a much better place.
Thank you to all the people that rallied behind me... and are walking beside me. I need to remember that I have been blessed with amazing people that will lift me up when I need to be and so I need to STOP holding on to things so freakin' tight and let go... thus what I wanted to say here.
What I'm about to say came to me as I sat at church yesterday... no pastor speaking... no prayer going on... just me... sitting.
I heard Him ask if God... if He was all I needed?
I had to be honest...I said NO, but tried to give my Christian Diclaimer of "But I want to", but only got out "But I want..." and I was stopped. He told me not to talk that Christian Jargon with Him... but be honest... so I said NO and left it.
I began to think of the other things I "needed" and every thought in my head was followed by Him saying that He's the one that provided those things. Mostly people came to my mind, and some things/situations, but He said that HE provided the people that I love and need. He provided all other things.
So who am I to grasp things and people so tightly that I don't let go?
So God really is all I need... but in order to really understand that (let alone do it) I have to LET IT GO... It = EVERYTHING that isn't HIM... and I don't mean this is the "let go of the sin brother" (said with southern drawl) kind of way... but I'm talking EVERYTHING. Situations that come up aren't as hard to let go of as the people in my life. But I have to let go of EVERYTHING.
Everything... wow... I don't know what that looks like... I don't know how to do that... I don't have a clue. This is always been so hard for me... God made me a very strong person with very broad shoulders... and so I've always just held on to everything... people and situations... especially people! But I have to let go... even the strongest will collapse under too much. And when I collapse, I not only crumble but I hurt my wife and my little girl... maybe she doesn't know it but because of the toll it takes on me, she knows her daddy isn't doing well... and I snap at her. I also hurt others around me.
I guess I have my own long road to walk. I'm not fooled in that it may not be a too long of a walk to get me righted and to let go of what I'm feeling right now... although it's not easy either... but this is going to be an ongoing walk. This is a road I will always be one because it's life. It's my life... will I choose to grasp ahold of things again or will I choose to let them go. Especially people...
So... I guess I'm looking for some good walking buddies... not necessarily to do anything but remind me to let it go. When situations arise or there are people that I am holding too tightly... to lovingly and firmly remind me to let it go. And I always like good walking company.
And so now... I let it go. The situations in my life right now that I have NO way of controling... I let it go. God I give it to you. The people in my life that mean so much... To you... I'm so sorry... I have grasped too tightly and have pushed and maybe suffocated. I truely am sorry and I let you go. Not that I push you away... but I let go of the emotional ties that cause me to grasp onto something I have no control over... nor should I have control over. I hope you can forgive and will continue to live life with me... continue to walk with me... and let me walk with you.
I'm letting go... finally. It is a tough road and it will be one that I will walk all my life... but I know I can do it... and the benefits of keeping things in the corerct perspective and not grasping so tighly will be amazing.
Jeff... let it go
Thank you to all the people that rallied behind me... and are walking beside me. I need to remember that I have been blessed with amazing people that will lift me up when I need to be and so I need to STOP holding on to things so freakin' tight and let go... thus what I wanted to say here.
What I'm about to say came to me as I sat at church yesterday... no pastor speaking... no prayer going on... just me... sitting.
I heard Him ask if God... if He was all I needed?
I had to be honest...I said NO, but tried to give my Christian Diclaimer of "But I want to", but only got out "But I want..." and I was stopped. He told me not to talk that Christian Jargon with Him... but be honest... so I said NO and left it.
I began to think of the other things I "needed" and every thought in my head was followed by Him saying that He's the one that provided those things. Mostly people came to my mind, and some things/situations, but He said that HE provided the people that I love and need. He provided all other things.
So who am I to grasp things and people so tightly that I don't let go?
So God really is all I need... but in order to really understand that (let alone do it) I have to LET IT GO... It = EVERYTHING that isn't HIM... and I don't mean this is the "let go of the sin brother" (said with southern drawl) kind of way... but I'm talking EVERYTHING. Situations that come up aren't as hard to let go of as the people in my life. But I have to let go of EVERYTHING.
Everything... wow... I don't know what that looks like... I don't know how to do that... I don't have a clue. This is always been so hard for me... God made me a very strong person with very broad shoulders... and so I've always just held on to everything... people and situations... especially people! But I have to let go... even the strongest will collapse under too much. And when I collapse, I not only crumble but I hurt my wife and my little girl... maybe she doesn't know it but because of the toll it takes on me, she knows her daddy isn't doing well... and I snap at her. I also hurt others around me.
I guess I have my own long road to walk. I'm not fooled in that it may not be a too long of a walk to get me righted and to let go of what I'm feeling right now... although it's not easy either... but this is going to be an ongoing walk. This is a road I will always be one because it's life. It's my life... will I choose to grasp ahold of things again or will I choose to let them go. Especially people...
So... I guess I'm looking for some good walking buddies... not necessarily to do anything but remind me to let it go. When situations arise or there are people that I am holding too tightly... to lovingly and firmly remind me to let it go. And I always like good walking company.
And so now... I let it go. The situations in my life right now that I have NO way of controling... I let it go. God I give it to you. The people in my life that mean so much... To you... I'm so sorry... I have grasped too tightly and have pushed and maybe suffocated. I truely am sorry and I let you go. Not that I push you away... but I let go of the emotional ties that cause me to grasp onto something I have no control over... nor should I have control over. I hope you can forgive and will continue to live life with me... continue to walk with me... and let me walk with you.
I'm letting go... finally. It is a tough road and it will be one that I will walk all my life... but I know I can do it... and the benefits of keeping things in the corerct perspective and not grasping so tighly will be amazing.
Jeff... let it go
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