I am feeling so much right now that I want to write. Not necessarily about anything, but just write. This week has left my emotions and nerves so fried and touchy. Not necessarily in a bad way but it is what it is...
I feel a determination to learn and gain skills that will allow me to move to the next level in my work. There is an open position and I am believing for it but I can't just sit back and ask God for a handout. I am working my ass off to prepare for what could be such a huge blessing. But God doesn't owe me anything and while He could give me favor if it's his will, I will need to not just sit back with my damn hand open and expect something. He has given me a wonderful mind and so here's a thought... why not use it and show people that are doubters that I am ready for this... thus I feel a determination that I haven't felt in a LONG time... if ever. And that alone can cause your emotions and nerves to be on edge... oh no... that's not enough for Jeff.
We're moving into a bigger place at the end of the month. It's a such a wonderful place. A huge kitchen that Julia will be happy in and storage... oh my gosh the amount of areas we'll have for storage. It's open so I won't feel trapped at home anymore... and the porch... oh the porch. I am a porch sitting kind of guy... I love to be out there and I couldn't tell you why... but I think well there, I have good talks with good friends there. The porch is MY favorite part of the house. My little girl will be able to run and be a little girl and it will be good. But with all this goodness comes greater costs and we have to breathe a deep sigh and believe that it will be ok. We won't be hurting by any means, but... yeah... And so that goes back to the first thing of the open position which if I got that, this money crap wouldn't even be a thought... I mean, we wouldn't be rich and couldn't be stupid with our money, but living like we do, which is comfortable, we would have no problems... but I have to get it so I need to go work on my resume, interview prep and learning these necessary skills... see how just these two things go round and round?
We have a member of our family that has just moved down here and it has been a really hard transition for her. She has been so homesick but knows she's doing what's best. It's hurt the past little while that there's nothing I have been able to do to really help... but you know what... she's beginning to settle in. She has found a great job that she enjoys the work and the people. As she put it, it's a place and they're people that she can be herself and not have to put on a fake every day. You should see her smile right now and that makes me so happy. I can't even explain how happy that makes me feel for her.
Add extreme happy to the mix of things, which is by NO means a bad thing to add... but extreme happy causes the emotions and nerves to run hard. Wouldn't trade it for the world though... so far I wouldn't trade any of this for the world... I don't think I mean for any of this to come across as bad... I'm just fried but not tired so I can't sleep. I have so many things running through my heart and mind that my emotions are on edge. I feel as if I could break out into fit of laughter that would lead to sobs... don't know if of sadness or what... but sobs. Then maybe I'd just be quiet and thoughtful... that's kinda where I am now... maybe I'd be dark for a second and then light... I don't know... I really don't... I just needed to type... and so... yeah.
I think I'm gonna go lay down now... if I'm able to sleep I will talk to you all later... if not, I may be back tonight :)
Good night world... or for some of you good morning... you get the point...
Just remember that sometimes it's ok to have moments and even days at a time when all you can say or feel is... just... yeah...
There's nothing wrong with it... at least not in my mind/heart.
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Where do I begin? I guess first and foremost it is to compliment you on your excellent writing skills. It's gut wrenching, it's honest and it's raw.... to those that have felt as you are right now.
ReplyDeleteI used to be able to write like that. It used to come easy to just let the emotions write the words, but something within this damn thyroid disease threw everything about me off.
Keep writing like this, it will help. It will help you "sort through" and it will help you later on, when you go back and see the journey that you took.
These feelings, these life hurdles... I look at it now, with years behind me and I see that what you are experiencing is growing pains. We all go through them many times throughout our lives. I don't think I have enough fingers and toes to count how many times I've gone through them! :)
You're sitting in the center of what was, what can be and what will be and I have found within my own life experience it is a time that being quiet, being introspective, paying attention to the little things around you, not just "hearing" people, but "listening" to what people are saying to you and all around you.
I firmly believe that God talks to us subtly. OH YES, sometimes he has to give a big ol' smack on the head to get our attention, but most of the time He is in all the "little" things around us.
Yes, I do know a little of what you have been struggling with these past several months and I offer this, my friend.... don't push too hard. Think of all the times you have pushed too hard in the last few months... what has been your result? Again, I know of what you speak... been there a million times.
Yes, get your skills that you need and do your "homework" as it were.... (and I know you're going to hate this next part- I cringe whenever someone tells me) be patient, don't push. God wants you to grow, think of it as a sowing season. Your harvest will come, it always does, right? :)
When Iris told me about your moving to a bigger place, a better location in regard to getting to work... I just grinned..... He has a plan for you Jeff, and He is showing you little by little by little.
And I will say, I need this advice as well and that is to remember that our way isn't always the best way and an indication of that is when doors are being closed rather than being opened.
He likes to surprise us, He likes to bless us in bigger ways than we could ever have imagined and when we are in between, what was, what can be and what will be, I know.... boy, do I know, how hard that is to remember. Sometimes I wonder if that is all He is really asking us to do... just remember who HE is and if we let Him, what HE can do.
Bless you my friend.... and I hope you were able to sleep well.
Lynn