False?

At work you have to be friendly and functional... away you have to be happy and nice. But what if at a certain time... a day, week or longer... you don't want to be friendly and functional barely happens. What if it just takes too much damn energy to be happy and nice?

Really... if anyone has an answer I'll take it...

This is me... at least right now. At work I am friendly and functional but only because I don't want to come across as a lazy jerk. Inside I just want to sit at my desk, try to be as functional as I possibly can so others don't have to pick up my slack... but don't want to be friendly, don't want to smile and functional is barely there. While I am at work, friendly and functional happen but at least with friendly... it's false. It has been too long since I can say that I have laughed at work. I work with some amazing people that are all kinds of funny and I laugh... and it's real... but it's been a while since I've REALLY laughed. I miss it. It's one of my favorite things.

And away from work, you're supposed to be happy and nice, but it really is so draining. The happy isn't always heartfelt and the nice is sometimes forced because I don't want to be an ass... at least not to people I care about. But some of it is false... and it never used to be... My little girl and my wife energize me and then all these things are true again. But they can be in the next room and I will be alone with me... and the truth of these things leaves again. I am with good friends and all these things are true and we laugh and all is good. But then they go home and they appear false again. I am alive when people that are close to me need me... not in the sense that "Yay I'm loved"... whatever... I know I'm loved (thankfully I know that)... but they need me in that I have something to offer them. I have an ear to give them so they can talk, I have a shoulder to they can brace themselves or cry, I have a hand and arms so I can hold them when they need hugged, I have a heart that can ache for them and I have a determination to see them ok... to see them protected and cared for... but even this doesn't always sustain... sometimes through myself... who the hell am I kidding... mostly if not always, through myself, something goes wrong and everything feels false again.

Here's the kicker... they may not REALLY BE FALSE!!! My family is in the other room but the love and all that was good is still there... My friends went home, but they are still closer to me that most families are and the laughs and love are still there. And those that I am blessed enough to help are still there. Some have left, but those are simply scars that remind that this business of being gratefully broken can cause pain... sometimes a lot of it... but it's all worth it. It's just right now they sure as hell feel false and that drives the ugly that I am in down further... sometimes to dark places.

Whatever I'm in is dragging on and I can't tell if it's because I'm tired, or the move we just did or varying other stresses. I mean, shit, I had an EKG last night because all day I had pretty good chest pain and constriction... it was just an "Overusage injury" but maybe not... maybe it was stress and anxiety. Just earlier this week... Tuesday I think, I sat at my desk consumed by thoughts that were stressing me and found it hard to breathe and felt the chest constriction again. I mean really... this doesn't happen to me... I am so damn put together... or is that false too? Guess it goes to show, no matter how gratefully broken you are... no matter how much brokenness you've gone through and come out on top... there's always more. I cry out for resolution soon though... for a break in this... God, will it come?

But it won't beat me. This part of me can't be false... it can't be... it's... me.

I may not be able to see it, but there is light at the end of this... and that's NOT false... that I know is true.