Battered Soldier

I'm a warrior... a soldier... a fighter... a protector... but not in the traditional sense that you may think. I can count the fights I've been involved in on one hand. But I'm all those things because I don't let things stand pat. When people that I care for are in need, I will fight to the death for them. I will fight along side of them and when they can't continue on, I will fight for them while protecting them. I will rally others to stand guard while my people recoup. I love them and will give my life for them. I'm a warrior, a soldier, fighter and protector.

Most are equipped with the ability to know when they themselves have been battered to the point of needing to let those around them stand guard and protect while they recoup. Most know when they've taken enough to stop and allow themselves to heal. Sometimes... maybe more times than not, I question that I have that ability. It's been said, by people that are closest to me, that one of the things about me that scares them is I don't stop... I press on and press on... but they are afraid for me with reason. When wounded if I keep on going, I will fall... which is where I feel I am now. Not totally fallen, but beaten to the point of staggering and falling to my knees... but still pressing on and still fighting.

But I have to stop. I need to learn that ability to know when to let others hold me up in the same way I hold them up. When I'm wounded I have in the past done more harm than good. Unfortunately I feel like I am there now. I have been fighting for the lives of several of the people that are close to me and I now stand... staggering... wounded... will I fall? Will the very things and people around me that I've been fighting for suffer because I have not stopped, stepped back and let others fight for me? Do I know how to stop? Do I really know how to let others stand around me and protect me? Have I let them know? How do I let them know?

If I cry for help, for people to come to my side and patch me up... to protect me while I heal, as a fighter, does that make me weak? Does that make me less of a warrior and protector? That is such a huge part of me that I can't handle the thought of being less... but I have to change my thinking before I allow it to make me no warrior at all. I have to change this in me before those I love suffer more than they have already... before those I am trying to protect are sacrificed as they are foced to step over a fallen warrior that was once me.

I don't know what it will look like, but here is my call for help. To my fellow soldiers, I am battered, I have fallen to my knees and don't want to fall more. God it scares me to think of that... I need you... I need your help. I don't know how to tell you what I need... I just don't know... but I do know I need you if you will so I can rise again, so I can rest and heal.

I am a warrior... a soldier... a fighter... and a protector... and I don't want to stop being that.