Remember...

Finally... *breathes a hugh sigh of relief*... I feel like I'm returning to normal... which, I know, I know... for me isn't all that normal. But I'm starting to rest and be able to let go and I'm starting to rise again. Not there totally... still have a ways to go... and not really even ready to fight again... still need to rest more... heal more... but I'm closer... and I can start to feel it.

It's pretty freaking amazing (not in a good way) when life deals you a difficult or painful card and instead of playing it, or dealing with it, you put it in your hand and just hold on... then another is dealt and you hold on to that one. They seem to keep coming and so instead of playing them/dealing with them you keep holding onto them... tighter and tighter. I don't know how many I had in my hand, but I'm pretty sure I was white-knuckle with how tight I was holding on.

Of all that I am getting out of this... that's the most important thing I'm having to learn. I have to let go... I have to step back and not worry about things I cannot control. I have to keep a constant reminder that when life deals a hurtful hand, play it... don't hold it. With all that I've been through, you would think I would have it down, but I have never been good at letting go. When it comes to something I care about, and especially when it's people I care about, I have a tendency to hold on tighter... which is oppostite of helpful. It wears me down and I don't realize it until it's too late... until I'm worn out and ready to collapse. I don't see it until I cause some kind of harm myself.

I am a very strong person. I have always been able to bare the loads of myself and others... it's one of the reasons I'm here. God has put me here to help others... and I love it. I should know this by now, but I am still learning, that while I love to walk with others... and fight for them... and carry them when needed... I have to remember it's not my strength and it's not my wisdom... But it's God through me... And what that means is that I have to remember to let go and step back... I have to rest and regain my strength... And I must be a friend & brother, nothing more... not a parent or a nag... not a controller or a dictator. To try and be more only opens the door wide open for frustration, confusion and hurt... sound like fun? I didn't think so either. I have to remember. I have to keep a constant reminder of this... if I'm really here to help and care for others, then this is vital. Who knows how many times I could afford to allow myself to get here without doing perminant damage to who I am at the very core.

I'm strong... but not that strong.