Who are you?

Not what you do... Not a title... Not what you been told you are... Not what people think you are. But who are you? It's who you are at your core... Maybe it's a title, but it can't just be that.

I am a pastor... but that's not what I am... it's not just a title. When a pastor is WHO you are you're a person that, no matter what, cares about people. It's someone that is ready to help... even if just by listening... sometimes best by just listening. A good pastor is someone that doesn't have an agenda FOR you, but when they're with you, their agenda IS you. How you are, what's going on, how they can laugh with you or cry with you, can they help or do you just wanna hang out? You are NOT a project, but you are loved! As a pastor you're a spiritual leader, but that's just the beginning, not the whole picture.

I'm gratefully broken... I think when that first came to my mind I saw it as a phase in my life... but it's who I am. In the dark and fog, I'm gratefully broken. In the light and joy, I'm gratefully broken. Being so has and does make me who I am. It's also what causes me to change what needs changed. It is the imperfections that are me... and it's the strides that I take to avoid or better those imperfections.

There is more to WHO I am... and the great part about it is that I am continuing to learn it... it doesn't all just come out... you have to search for it... you have to explore and listen and find WHO you are. One of life's many great adventures... and well worth the risk... risk because who you are may not be who you want to be... and that requires a whole other kind of search and adventure... and a different post sometime maybe. :)

I challenge you, take the time to really know WHO you are. Even if you're not a spiritual person, ask God who you are... because it's in HIM that we find these things out.
Feel free to comment on this or leave a comment of WHO you are... I would love to read them!

Gratefully Broken 2.0

When I started this blog I was in a "deeper" and even "darker" place than I am now... and my definition of gratefully broken was very appropriate. I am in a much lighter place now and you know what... the definition is the same. When I started this, I felt that it would be something that would only be for the deep or dark... but gratefully broken isn't just a thing... it's who I am. I am gratefully broken... and that means sometimes things are dark and deep and this is an out that I have... even a cry out for help... but other times it means that in my brokenness I get to share the joys and wonders of life with everyone.

Gratefully Broken 2.0 isn't a different version... just a realization that being gratefully broken is all inclusive and not just how I'm feeling... but who I am. I like that!

I'm back

Didn't really know I was gone... Just haven't thought about blogging lately. But I do enjoy it. I can honestly say things have been going well... in the midst of annoyances... but still really well. I could turn this into a HUGE entry by going on about what has been going on (yes it sounded funny in my head too). But basically I'm back... things are good... and I'll try to post more often.

Clearning the Fog

Opened my front door this morning to fog... yes that's right fog... I thought to myself... well it's June and we've gone from winter weather to fall weather... Alright, we're working our way towards summer... just a little backwards. And so I shrugged my shoulders and walked out the door.

I love the fog. I love the feel of the mist against my face, I love how quiet things seem. To me, fog is very peaceful. Some might disagree and don't get me wrong... it's not my favorite to drive in... but I wasn't driving. I was walking in it... I was just "being" in it.

I got on the train and as we started going towards Seattle, the fog began to clear... revealing a gorgeous summy day. At that time I remembered another part of the fog that I love. When it clears... revealing a beautiful new day.

Kinda funny how this can be said about our weather, but also about our lives.

She's Beautiful

This last weekend Julia and I went for our Horseback Winery Tour. We got to stay the night in one of their Luxery Teepees and it was amazing. It was the perfect mix of rugged (with the ranch and the horses... with the outdoor sink with a mirror for shaving that was right by one of the horse pens... and more) and elegance (with the decor of the teepees and the food that was served and just the atmosphere). It was so relaxing and simply amazing... but this isn't meant to be a review of the place... I'll write one of those on their web site. :)

All of that is needed for this post though. This last weekend there was amazing for me. I was so relaxed and just didn't want to leave. The horses were great, the scenery was breathtaking and so on and so on... but you see, this last weekend was PERFECT for Julia. It wasn't just something she wanted, it was something she NEEDED! She needed to get away. She needed the horses. She needed Pepper and Tiffany (the two that run this place). Whatever it was that she needed, it was there. And as a result she was absolutely glowing. She hasn't glowed like that in a very long time. My wife is breathtakingly beautiful all the time, but seeing her come to life this weekend when she was around those horses made that much more. For too long she has deprived herself from these things that make her come alive. As her husband, it's my pleasure to help her NOT lose that glow.
She is so beautiful all the time... but when she does the things that make her come alive, somehow, that beauty is magnified.

Seek Me and Live

These are a few of the first words of Amos 5:4 in the Bible. Some of you may not be that familiar with the Bible, but that doesn't really matter for this post. This isn't a Bible lesson... I'm not going Christian TV on you here I promise. :) And yes... I'm Christian... I just don't... anyway... totally another post.

"Seek Me and Live"
God told Amos to speak these words to the Israelites and they most definately apply today. But what does it mean. As a good little preacher I should focus on the word "Seek" and what it means to seek God and how none of us are doing a good job and how we need to repent and start seeking God (please note the sarcasm in my voice/typing) But if you know me... I'm not the normal good little preacher (and yes I am also a pastor).

When I read that the whole thing just stuck in my head... but the word "Live" is the one that got me thiking. It can mean the obvious which is that if we seek a relationship with Jesus we will live because He gives us the gift of eternal life... but that's REALLY not what I was thinking when I read this.
Seek me and LIVE... I want to live... I don't want to have a life that is unfulfilled and boring. I want to have a life that is free and beyond enjoyable... that is LIVING.
And God is the one that gives that to me. He is the one that made me who I am. I am a nut case (in a fun way)... when I make people laugh (myself included) I am living... God made me that way. When I'm helping people it makes me come alive... that's living and God made me to be like that as well. The blessings and provisions that He gives, I get to LIVE in every day... when I seek him.

Ok... so I'm gonna hit on seeking a little... because I think a lot of people (I did for a long time) hear the word seek, they're thinking I have to go to church EVERY week, I have to read my Bible all the time and spend AT LEAST a hour on my knees seriously praying to be considered a person that "seeks" God. Ok... you can do those things... and some of them I do... I love to go to church... but I don't every week... love the Bible, but don't read it all the time and I love to pray but definatley not like I described above. I seek God because He is my friend and I want to be with him. And sometimes it's formally like above... but most the time I seek him just by talking to Him like I do any of my other friends. I tell Him when I'm having a good day or with the day sucks serious butt!!! I get mad at him and yell at Him. I ask Him what He wants to do when I'm driving around... does he want to listen to music or talk or listen to the ballgame... what? I just hang out with him because it's my relationship with Him that the seeking is done through.

I seek my wife, but she would lock me up in the nuthouse if I sought her like people think we have to ALWAYS seek God. Please don't misunderstand... or if you want to go ahead... that's fine... I think praying and readin the Bible and going to church and all that kind of stuff is a great way to seek God... but IT'S NOT THE ONLY WAY!!! I seek my wife and even my friends... but I don't do it all formal and ritualistic like... it's not a duty but a friendship that I want to grow... just like I do with family and friends. That is seeking God to me... and when I seek him, I get to live!!!

That excites me because I know the things that make me come alive and God supplies those that much more when I am seeking him.

Those are just some thoughts... do what you will with them... if you got any questions, leave a comment... I'd love to chat about this... it's another way that I get to LIVE!

Do you trust me?

Sittin' in church a couple weeks ago... during one of the songs, we began to just sing out with whatever words came to heart/mind and Dane began to sing something about God I trust you... and then I heard it... "Do you trust me?"

Normally you'd give the church answer "Of course I do God," but I wasn't able to answer... I just sat there and thought... not necessarily of what I would answer, but of WHY God was asking me this. Now, if you've been in church and God asks you this it is usually by something that is gonna stretch your faith... but this was different... this wasn't that kind of "Do you trust me."

See, I've been badly damaged by people in the church... some pastors, some board members and so on. It was all for a purpose though. I know this now because God showed me what it was all about. However, during that time, I didn't know why I went through what I did. I felt like such a failure and that I couldn't do what God had asked me to do... the truth of it though was that in that personal hell, I was actually succeeding and was doing exactly what God asked me to do... just didn't know it until later.
Even though, that time did a lot of damage to me and my family. A couple years after being at our last church, I felt God tell me He was sorry. Not necessarily that He was sorry that I went through it... afterall, it has shaped who I am and what I'm about... it has directed me to where I am and where I am going. but He was sorry that it hurt so bad. He was sorry that he couldn't tell me what the hell was going on until He did. He was sorry it had damaged me as much as it had. It was really weird hearing God tell me He was sorry... but it made me feel so treasured.

We have moved on, God and I. Things have been going awesome between us. He and I are more like uber close friends than ever before. I feel closer to Him now than I ever have... even more than when I was working in the church. And so then He asks me "Do you trust me?" Again, not your steriotypical "do you trust me to go to Africa" kind of thing... but kinda... well... moving on in our relationship. It was like he was saying, "I know I hurt you... and I have told you I was sorry...and you have forgiven me (how crazy does that sound... "forgiving" God), and now will you trust me again?" It wasn't a specific trust request... it was a generalized "will you put your trust in me again?" "Will you trust me with your life and know that I won't hurt you like that again?"

It was strange... I didn't know what to do... and so I sat there. Of course I wanted to trust Him again... but did I... was I willing to? He didn't want the churchie BS answer...he wanted to hear from my heart... even if the answer was no... not yet... He wants me to trust Him, but He wasn't willing to just assume and move forward... He wasn't willing to force anything. He asked me! I can't effectively voice what that means to me.

I don't know if I ever really gave Him a yes or no answer. At least not in those words. But I've started to see changes in my actions towards Him and situations He wants me to trust Him with. Through my actions, I've answered "yes" to his question of "Do you trust me." I am grateful that He thinks enough of me to ask me if I'm ready to move forward. I guess that shows you the signs of a true friend.