Do you trust me?

Sittin' in church a couple weeks ago... during one of the songs, we began to just sing out with whatever words came to heart/mind and Dane began to sing something about God I trust you... and then I heard it... "Do you trust me?"

Normally you'd give the church answer "Of course I do God," but I wasn't able to answer... I just sat there and thought... not necessarily of what I would answer, but of WHY God was asking me this. Now, if you've been in church and God asks you this it is usually by something that is gonna stretch your faith... but this was different... this wasn't that kind of "Do you trust me."

See, I've been badly damaged by people in the church... some pastors, some board members and so on. It was all for a purpose though. I know this now because God showed me what it was all about. However, during that time, I didn't know why I went through what I did. I felt like such a failure and that I couldn't do what God had asked me to do... the truth of it though was that in that personal hell, I was actually succeeding and was doing exactly what God asked me to do... just didn't know it until later.
Even though, that time did a lot of damage to me and my family. A couple years after being at our last church, I felt God tell me He was sorry. Not necessarily that He was sorry that I went through it... afterall, it has shaped who I am and what I'm about... it has directed me to where I am and where I am going. but He was sorry that it hurt so bad. He was sorry that he couldn't tell me what the hell was going on until He did. He was sorry it had damaged me as much as it had. It was really weird hearing God tell me He was sorry... but it made me feel so treasured.

We have moved on, God and I. Things have been going awesome between us. He and I are more like uber close friends than ever before. I feel closer to Him now than I ever have... even more than when I was working in the church. And so then He asks me "Do you trust me?" Again, not your steriotypical "do you trust me to go to Africa" kind of thing... but kinda... well... moving on in our relationship. It was like he was saying, "I know I hurt you... and I have told you I was sorry...and you have forgiven me (how crazy does that sound... "forgiving" God), and now will you trust me again?" It wasn't a specific trust request... it was a generalized "will you put your trust in me again?" "Will you trust me with your life and know that I won't hurt you like that again?"

It was strange... I didn't know what to do... and so I sat there. Of course I wanted to trust Him again... but did I... was I willing to? He didn't want the churchie BS answer...he wanted to hear from my heart... even if the answer was no... not yet... He wants me to trust Him, but He wasn't willing to just assume and move forward... He wasn't willing to force anything. He asked me! I can't effectively voice what that means to me.

I don't know if I ever really gave Him a yes or no answer. At least not in those words. But I've started to see changes in my actions towards Him and situations He wants me to trust Him with. Through my actions, I've answered "yes" to his question of "Do you trust me." I am grateful that He thinks enough of me to ask me if I'm ready to move forward. I guess that shows you the signs of a true friend.